


Gravity Camp (discontinued, being reworked)

by DootDootBoopedSnoot



Category: Camp Camp (Web Series), Gravity Falls
Genre: Crossover, Multi, Older Dipper Pines, Older Mabel Pines, Older Pines Twins, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-12-02
Packaged: 2019-06-15 17:12:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 18,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15417693
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DootDootBoopedSnoot/pseuds/DootDootBoopedSnoot
Summary: In an alternate universe where the events of Camp Camp take place four years after the events of Gravity Falls. The twins now work as Junior Counselors at Camp Campbell.





	1. Campe Diem!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dipper greets the new campers, while also trying to make sure Max doesn't get in trouble.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea of the Pines Twins being Junior Counselors at Camp Campbell would not leave me alone, so enjoy this entirely self-indulgent story. Or not. Your call.
> 
> You could probably skip this chapter if you really want. It's not that different from the first episode.

"Kid, what the hell are you doing out here?" Dipper asked Max, who was standing beside him. "It's breakfast. Aren't you supposed to be in the Mess Hall?"

"Well it's definitely not because the bus comes in from the city and so far is my only chance at escaping this fucking nightmare of a camp." Max replied, "Definitely not that."

"Max, you're ten." Dipper said blankly, "Even if you _do_  manage to get into the bus, you most certainly don't know how to drive."

"I could sneak onto the bus without the Quartermaster knowing." Max countered.

"You know, your schemes would work better if you didn't just tell me what you were going to do." Dipper said, rolling his eyes, "Now go back to the Mess Hall. Mabel's cooking is usually more edible then the Quartermaster's, anyway."

"I wonder how he'll react to you saying that..." Max said darkly.

"Tell him I said that, and I'll stick gum in your curls." Dipper threatened.

The threat was soon undermined by a bus beeping in the distance. The Quartermaster parked in front of Dipper and Max, opening the bus doors. "Kids are here." He grumbled.

A girl with green hair and red overalls jumped out, "Smell that fresh nature air! That's the stuff!"

"You must be Nikki." Dipper said.

Another kid, a boy with curly brown hair and a yellow sweater awkwardly but more carefully walked out of the bus, "Um, is this Science Camp?"

"And you must be Neil." Dipper concluded. "Technically yes and no."

"Wait, I though this was Adventure Camp!" Nikki said.

Dipper sighed, "I'll explain what I mean once I herd you two and the other little rascal into the Mess Hall." Dipper looked back to where Max was last standing, "Wait, where is he?"

He got an answer when he looked back to the bus, Max in the front seat trying to reach the gas pedal. Fortunately Max's legs were far too short to actually reach it.

The Quartermaster used his hook hand to pick Max up by his hoodie, "Not today, child. Only one drivin' this bus is me."

He dropped Max next to Dipper and the two other kids.

"Thanks, Quartermaster." Dipper said.

"Yer on your own, now." The Quartermaster said darkly, as though it was a zombie apocalypse and he was abandoning Dipper to horde and not a bunch of misbehaving children. "Welp. Time for a break. Be back for the bus at noon."

"Well... Let's go meet the other three counselors, kids." Dipper said, "Oh, and Max? Congratulations. You get to uphold my parents tradition of being a shadow."

"A what now?" Max said.

"Whenever me or Mabel would wander off, one of our parents would say that we would have to be their shadow for the rest of the day." Dipper said, "Now you get to be my shadow. As in, wherever I go, you're following."

"What if you go to the bathroom?" Max countered.

"Then you wait outside." Dipper countered his counter-argument. "Alright kids, let's go to the Mess Hall."

~-~-~-~

Apparently while Dipper was waiting to greet the new campers, Space Kid decided it would be a good idea to be taped to the ceiling fan. Nurf had turned the fan up to high.

"This is amazing!" Nikki exclaimed as Dipper ran over to turn the ceiling fan off.

"Buzzkill." Nurf grumbled as Space Kid fell to the floor.

"Gwen, where the hell are the other counselors?" Dipper asked.

"They're setting up morning activities." Gwen answered tiredly, "I thought I'd be able to handle the kids myself." She admitted.

"Well, I hope they're finished, cause the new campers are already here." Dipper said.

"Oh, shit. That's right." She said, "I'll get the lazerdisk."

"You do that." Dipper said, turning to the rest of the kids, "Alright. Time to go to the activities field. Get your butts moving."

The campers sans Nikki and Neil grumbled complaints but obliged, sorting themselves out of the Mess Hall. Max tried to sneak away with the rest of the group but Dipper grabbed him by his hood.

"Dammit." Max hissed under his breath as Dipper set the kid next to him.

Gwen handed him the lazerdisk so she could set up the TV.

"So, kids. Time for a little history lesson." Dipper said, "This camp was founded not too long ago by Cameron Campbell, of whom I'm sure you don't really care about. Which is good, because he was kind of an asshat. Or, well, _is_  kind of an asshat. Good thing he's not here right now."

"I'm here right now!" A new person exclaimed, clapping Dipper on the shoulder. The surprise made him drop the lazerdisk and it shattered.

"Ah, shit." Dipper muttered, "What the fuck are you doing here?"

"Well I wouldn't miss welcoming new campers to Campbell!" Cameron Campbell himself said.

"...You have for years, sir." Gwen pointed out.

"Oh, Grace you slay me!" Campbell laughed and gave both counselors a bone-crushing side-hug.

"It's.. Gwen.." Gwen choked out.

"What did I say?" Campbell said.

"... So is this Adventure Camp or...?" Nikki asked.

"Yeah. Any attempt to answer our questions just seems to raise more questions." Neil pointed out. "

Hey, you're starting to catch on! Good for you!" Max snarked.

"No worries, children!" Campbell said, freeing Dipper and Gwen from his grip, "I'm sure you camp counselors will be able to explain it-" he took a quick look through the window outside.

"In fact, they can explain it outside, in the activities field! Come along now, campers!" Campbell said, leading the way outside.

The activities field was a mess of equipment, supplies, and interests. A few notable things were a half-pipe, what looked for be a makeshift castle, and two stages. One for magic camp and one for theatre camp.

"Dipper! I see you're back with our new campers and.." David paused, "Mr. Campbell! What are you doing here!?" He cried happily.

"Definitely not hiding from any authorities if that's what you're thinking!" Campbell blatantly lied.

"What?" David said, oblivious.

"Hey." Mabel walked up, "These the new campers?"

"Yep." Dipper said, "Still haven't got to explain to them what exactly the camp is. I sort of.. dropped the lazerdisk."

"Oh, well.. Maybe we could show them that song-" David suggested, but was silenced by Dipper.

"I'm gonna stop you right there. No." He replied.

"I'll go ahead and do it." Gwen said, pulling out the Emergency Script Dipper wrote in case the lazerdisk was broken or misplaced.

"Here in Camp Campbell we pride ourselves in the variety of our curriculum." Gwen said blankly, "We have things like theatre camp, art camp, extreme sports camp, magic camp, other magic camp, and lots more. Lots of stuff."

"Now, uh, sir. Now that you're here, could we discuss how we're possibly supposed to opporate at this scale?" Gwen asked Campbell.

"Hey, is that kid escaping?" Campbell asked, looking towards Max, who was running to the bus. Dipper looked beside him, where Max was. A very impressive life-sized knitted doll of Max was there instead.

"Dammit. Mabel, could you?"

"Yeah, I'm going to." She said and then bolted after him. Mabel had an uncanny ability to keep up with the kids. It was useful for things like this.

"If I can just make it to that bus before noon-" Max muttered right before running into Mabel.

She held up the knitted doll, "Looks like knitting isn't as dumb and girly as someone said, huh Max?"

"You four are the bane of my existence." Max grumbled.

"Whatever, little dude." Mabel replied and picked him up with one arm, carrying him all the way back to the Activities Feild. The twins were freakishly strong for teenagers.

She plopped him back down, next to Dipper.

"What the fuck is this!" Neil cried out, gesturing to a table full of outdated science equipment.

"It's... Science Camp." Mabel said, "Sorry kid, most of our funds this year went to fixing up the extreme sports equipment." She admitted.

"But-but-but... This isn't what I signed up for!" Neil pulled out a brochure for the camp and held it up, "I just wanted science camp! Not science camp and more! I don't want more!"

"Well that's why you read the fine print, sport!" Campbell said, taking out a magnifying glass and holding it to the brochure, so revealing the words 'And More!' underneath 'Science Camp'. "Now you can't sue us!"

Nikki took out her own brochure to look at it, squinting at the miniature text, "So... It's just some kind of Camp Camp?"

"Well I wouldn't call it out like that, but yes!" Campbell admitted.

"This is BULLSHIT!" Neil yelled, "You think you can just scrounge up some outdated equipment and call it a laboratory?!"

Gwen sighed, "Well, kid, I'm sorry it's not-"

"Stand down, Gretchen!" Campbell said, " _I'll_ speak to the children."

"Here we go again." Dipper rolled his eyes.

"I started this camp with one goal in mind: to make it the best summer camp in the world! But unfortunately things like the internet, video games, and the Affordable Care Act are ruining this great country. And kids just aren't interested in a traditional summer camp anymore. But America ISN'T a traditional country! So why settle for anything less?!"

David started to wipe a tear at Campbell's fauxspirational speech.

"You have four acceptable counselors, one hell of a Quartermaster! And by God, as long as I'm here-" Campbell was soon interrupted by a group of FBI agents driving into the activities field to start shooting at him.

"Get down!" Dipper yelled and multiple kids ducked to the ground.

"Get the helicopter." Campbell said into a walkie-talkie. Soon enough a helicopter flew over the camp and a ladder fell from it. Campbell grabbed hold of the ladder.

"Mr. Campbell! Where are you going!" David cried.

"Nearest international waters, Davey!" Campbell yelled back. Soon he was gone, and so were the agents.

There were a few moments of quiet before Gwen cried, "Oh God it's coming back! The crippling anxiety and regret!" And then collapsed.

"Gwen!" David, Dipper, and Mabel said in unison, rushing over to help her back up.

The Quartermaster walked by, "Time t' be takin' that there bus, back to that there city."

Max turned to Neil and grabbed him by the sweater, "Listen to me. That bus is our only chance at escaping this fucking place. Do you want to stay here, or get the fresh taste of freedom?"

Neil looked at the outdated equipment for science camp. Then looked at Gwen, still of the ground, muttering something about a liberal arts degree. Then looked back at Max with new determination, "Let's get the fuck out of here."

"You guys gonna break for it?" Nikki asked, "I can make a distraction for you."

"Why would you help us?" Max asked, suspicious.

"I'm an agent of chaos." She shrugged. "Hey David! Why don't you lift our spirits with that camp song you won't shut up about!"

"Why, that's a great idea!" David exclaimed, pulling out a guitar from seemingly no where.

"Oh god no." Gwen moaned.

"OOOOHHH!"

"There's a place I know that's tucked away,

A place where you and I can stay,

And have adventures every day!

Yes, guys and gals, it's true!

Camp Campbell is the place for me and-"

"The kids are gone." Gwen stated, gesturing to the three knitted replacements for the trio.

"Ah, fuck." Dipper said, "We need to catch them!"

David lead the way, Gwen right behind him, and the twins in the back. "Max! You're being a horrible influence to our new campers! You stop this instant!"

"Never!" Max yelled.

"They're right behind us!" Neil cried.

"Max! Hurry!" Nikki yelled, taking out her brochure and throwing it at David's face. It was a bullseye, making David trip up and fall on the ground. Gwen tripped over him.

Unfortunately, the twins jumped over them. Nikki jumped into the bus, then Neil, and finally Max. Dipper almosted jumped in, too, but Neil shut the doors. Which lead to Dipper slamming into them.

"I hope you four remember this face, cause you'll never see it again!" Max laughed from inside the bus.

~-~-~-~

"I'm gettin' real tired of coming up here, David." The sheriff grumbled as he wrote the ticket.

"I know, Sal." David muttered in reply.

"We were _so_  close." Max grumbled.

"Well, none of us really know how to drive." Neil pointed out.

"Yeah, honestly Max, what did you expect to happen?" Gwen asked.

"I literally told him it wasn't gonna work out." Dipper sighed.

"I'll be real here, I just wanted to drive a bus." Nikki admitted.

"Well, I hope you all learned a very important lesson today." David scolded.

"No, I hope _you_  learned, David." Max said. "In fact, I hope you _all_  learned. That before today, you only had one little bastard to deal with! But now you have three." Max concluded, giving Neil and Nikki and side-hug.

"Come on guys. I'll show you to our tent." Max said, and the trio walked off.

"This is gonna be awesome!" Nikki exclaimed loudly enough for the counselors to hear.

"This is gonna be awful." Gwen sighed.

"Oh come on, Gwen. Max made not one, not three, but two new friends today!" David said.

The other three just replied by glaring at him. He began to pull out his guitar again, but Dipper kicked him in the crouch before he could.


	2. Mascot Hunt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel comforts Gwen through her 'Lady Sickness' while Dipper makes sure Max doesn't get murdered.

"And over here is our Camp Mascot, Larry the Hamster!" David said, revealing a small hamster cage. "Say hi, Larry!"

David picked up the hamster and began to imitate a squeakier, high-pitched voice, "Hi campers! Don't forget to appreciate and respect David and everything he does for you!"

Then David made a faux gasp, "Did you hear that? He talked!"

The campers rolled their eyes as Nikki asked, "Are you a gypsy?"

"Nikki! We do not call other people slurs!" Dipper scolded.

"Wait, that's a slur?" Nikki asked.

"Yes, Nikki. Now, you didn't know, so I'm willing to let it slide. But only once." Dipper replied sternly.

Someone cleared their throat.

Everyone turned to look at Max. Who activated an incredibly impressive Rube Goldberg Machine.

Everyone watched, fasinated... Until it concluded with slingshotting a boulder towards David, knocking the hamster out of his hand and into the sky.

"Aw, man." Max said, looking at David, "That was supposed to kill you."

"You didn't miss by much." Dipper said.

"Well. Campers. Change of plans, we're going to find a new mascot." David said dryly.

"Hey! Why do you gotta put that on us? We don't work here!" Max argued.

"Well, Max. We were going to make home-made ice cream but _someone_  killed our mascot and now we need a new one because EVERY GOOD CAMP HAS A MASCOT, MAX!" David yelled and Dipper winced. He didn't even know the camp man could get _mad_.

But just like that, David was back to his cheerful self, "Gwen is feeling... Under the weather. Mabel's comforting her. And this is one of the few activities we can do without them!" David said, putting a hand on Dipper's shoulder.

"Under the weather?" Neil said.

"Lady sickness." Nikki replied, matter-of-factly, "My mom gets it all the time."

"How do you cure it?" Neil asked.

" _Edge closer to death._ " Nikki answered dramatically.

...Well, technically right is still right?

Nikki then brightened up, "Wooo! Mascot hunt! I'm gonna go for something with lots of teeth!"

Max, who had been grumbling to himself before, suddenly spoke up, "Hey David! Why don't you let the Quartermaster take half of us!"

This enabled Dipper to look over at the Quartermaster. Who was dragging a giant bag with something... Bleeding inside of it. That was not good.

"Why Max that's a great idea!" David exclaimed and Dipper had the sudden urge to facepalm.

Fortunately, it seemed Max was the only kid who didn't value self preservation today.

"I'm gonna go make sure QM doesn't murder Max." Dipper said frankly.

David laughed, he must have thought it was just a joke, "You do that! I'm sure I can hand the other nine."

Dipper had decided to bring his baseball bat. He told Max and the Quartermaster that it was in case any wild animals attacked them. Then they set off through the woods.

~-~-~-~

It really wasn't long before the trees around them became thicker and the shadows became darker before Dipper realized they were in the horror movie part of the woods.

"Hey, man." Max spoke up from in front of him, "We can just go back to the camp and chill. Gwen can be the mascot." He joked.

Of course this was a scheme to get out of camp activities. Of fucking course.

The Quartermaster turned around, "You kids think yer so _smart!_ "

Max fell backwards in surprise, but was caught by Dipper and straightened back up. "Literally what does that have to do with anything?" He asked.

"Ya have t' look _beyond_  the camp." The Quartermaster continued, "Into the _true_  beauty of nature."

"...This looks like the place teenagers go to get stabbed." Max stated.

"Hey! I resemble that comment!" Dipper replied.

"He ain't wrong." The Quartermaster replaced his hook hand with a prosthetic that had a lantern hanging off of it, "Come along now children. The days are short."

They passed a few more miles before Max asked, "Hey, how did you lose your hand?"

The Quartermaster just replied by grumbling a few intelligible things. The one thing Dipper could make out was a very menacing comment about 'The _Jews_ '.

He made a mental note to _never_  mention his and Mabel's Jewish heritage while the Quartermaster was around.

"...I think you should be more specific." Max said, Dipper noted there was a little fear and concern in his voice.

"We're here." The Quartermaster said, taking off the lantern and putting the hook hand back on.

He raised said hand, hook shining in the little bit of sunlight. Dipper's immediate reaction was to push Max behind him and ready his bat.

Except the Quartermaster didn't go for them. He used the hook to slice down a giant hedge to reveal...

A place that looked like it came straight out of Mabel's fantasies.

There were a bunch of cutesy animals hopping about, a rainbow that disobeyed the laws of physics above the clearing. In the middle of it was a throne with a tiny squirrel in a king's cape and crown.

"It's beautiful.." Max whispered.

"It's hurting my eyes." Dipper muttered.

The Quartermaster approached the squirrel king, picking it up in one hand...

And then pierced through it with the other. The sight of blood had Dipper wince and cover Max's eyes. Max tried to retaliate by hitting Dipper's hands.

"Kid, it's better if you don't see this." Dipper said honestly.

The Quartermaster turned around, dead squirrel still on his hook hand. "Mascot."

"... It's dead, QM. You sort of killed it." Dipper pointed out.

"Oh." The Quartermaster took the tiny crown off of the squirrel's head and plopped it down on his own. A bunch of the cutesy animals started to attack him, "Stop it! I am your king now!"

"Let's... Let's just go. He seems.. busy." Dipper said, turning around and uncovering Max's eyes. Max tried to get a look at the commotion behind them but Dipper would plant himself in front of the view every time. Eventually the kid grumbled and quit.

Sure, it was the Quartermaster who had lead them to the childlike fantasy land in the first place, but Dipper always had an uncanny ability to navigate through the woods. He figured it must've been something he picked up from Gravity Falls.

Soon enough, they were back at camp. Most of everyone was gathered at the docks (including Gwen and Mabel?). Once they got a closer look it was clear Gwen looked pissed off. She was holding a platypus by it's tail, "What hell is going on here?!"

"We were uh... Trying to find a mascot?" David replied nervously.

Gwen looked at him, then at the platypus, then back at him, "Why do you always have to make things _weird_  and _complicated?_ "

Dipper figured it was time to but in, "Hey guys, we're back."

"Oh, Dipper! Wait, where's the Quartermaster?" David asked.

"Uh..." Dipper really didn't know how to explain what had happened.

Luckily, the Quartermaster came into view as if on cue. He had a bunch of the forest animals carrying him on the throne from earlier.

"...I need more midol." Gwen decided, setting the platypus down and heading back to the Counselors Cabin.

"Well..." Mabel said, "I guess the platypus can be the mascot?"

"Does that make us the Camp Campbell Platys?" Nikki asked.

"No, I don't think so." David replied.

"What about the Pussies?" Neil suggested.

"Uh- no-"

"Oh, come on, David, where's your sense of adventure?" Mabel joked while Dipper started laughing.

"Yeah, I like that!" Nerris decided.

"Pussies for life." Ered said.

Today was not David's day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Glad people seem to like me inserting teenage Pines Twins into the Camp Camp Universe.


	3. History Repeats... Unless You Do Something About It

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel and Dipper teach Dolph why a few things about his behavior is unacceptable.

"Mabel!" Dolph said, running over, "Look at this windmill I drew!"

"Uh..." Mabel stopped eating his somewhat flavorless nothing-sandwich for lunch to look over her shoulder, "It's... Nice, Dolph."

Artistically speaking, it was pretty great. Especially for an eight-year-old. There was just one glaring problem with it. It was often a problem with a lot of Dolph's artwork, really.

He had a habit of putting not-so-hidden swastikas _everywhere_. It was extremely concerning, really. It was especially concerning that David nor Gwen have done anything about it.

"Just... Where, exactly did you see that symbol?" Mabel asked, pointing to the swastika-windmill.

"Oh. My mother has pictures of these everyvhere in our house!" Dolph replied, "Vy? Is there something wrong with it?"

Mabel made a mental note to call a social worker on Dolph's mom (and possibly dad) after the summer ends, "Yes, kiddo. It's kind of a large indication that someone is human garbage." She answered honestly.

"Oh. Vhat should I do with my old drawings, then? I don't want to get rid of my work!" Dolph said.

"Just paint over them." Mabel suggested.

"Good idea!" Dolph said and ran off.

~-~-~-~

Dipper had started hanging out at the lake, particularly the docks, when he needed a good break from the campers. Unfortunately today it seemed like one of the campers were at the docks today.

It was Dolph, he seemed to be intensely focused on something.

"What'cha doing, kiddo?" Dipper asked, sitting down next to him.

"Oh! Vell, Mabel told me that de symbol I put in most of mien drawings is actually bad.. So I'm painting over them!" Dolph said. "Actually.. can you tell me vy it's bad?"

Dipper took a deep breath, "Well... The symbol used to mean peace and love or some shit like that... Then these assholes stole it and turned it into a symbol of hate and genocide."

"I know vhat hate means, but vhat's genocide?" Dolph asked.

"It's... You're already familiar with the concept of death, right?" Dipper asked.

Dolph nodded.

"Alright. Well, genocide is where you target one or more groups of people and kill them en masse." Dipper said, "The people associated with that symbol _now_  are called 'Nazis', and their main target was Jewish and Roma people. Well, especially Jewish people."

"Oh... Should I apologise to you, Mabel, and Neil for putting this symbol in mien artwork?" Dolph asked.

"If you want to. Though I'm not sure Neil would forgive you." Dipper answered, "Though, while we're at it, did your mom give you that haircut too?"

"Yes?" Dolph answered.

"Yeah, your mom's kinda shady." Dipper said, "I think we'll make a presentation on the Nazis and the Holicaust tomorrow and show it to you kids. Can't really trust the American Education system to tell you shit."

~-~-~-~

"Vhat should I do with mien hair?" Dolph asked Mabel after the presentation was over, "My mother will be suspicious if we have it cut!"

"Yeah, and I don't think we can figure out a good haircut since it's already so short." Dipper noted.

"We could get you a wig?" Mabel suggested, "That way, back at home, you can just hide it when you're at the house with your mom. And then you can put it on when you're out and about with friends n stuff!"

"Yeah. In fact, I think there's some shit ones in the backstage of theatre camp, though I'm sure with a little more care they'll be good as new." Dipper said. "Preston might get pissy at first but I'm sure he'll see this is for a good cause."

"We'll have to, like, wait before we can get you any new clothes, though." Mabel said, "Or I could sew or knit something together for you."

"I vould love for you to do that!" Dolph said, "You knit excellent sweaters!"

"Well that's settled, then." Mabel said. "Want to pick out the yarn color for your new sweater, kiddo?"

"Absolutely!"

~-~-~-~

Dolph had chosen a pink yarn for his sweater. When Dipper asked him if he was sure he wanted it to be pink, Dolph had nodded and said, "Pink is un excellent and bold color!"

"Whatever floats your boat, dude." Dipper replied while Mabel used a tape measure to get Dolph's height, width, and weight.

"I actually have a beanie in this color that I don't use anymore." Mabel said, "You could probably use it if the whole wig thing doesn't work out."

"I vould like that." Dolph said.

Once they were finally done, Dolph almost looked like a completely different person. He had chosen a black wig, which Mabel brushed out and took care of so it no longer looked shitty and tangled. The pink sweater was probably unsuitable for summer wear, but luckily there were still some old faded camp T-shirts. Dolph opted to wear the sweater around his waist instead. Even though Dolph seemed to like the wig, Mabel still gave him the beanie since she didn't use it anymore.

Space Kid had decided to pitch in and give Dolph his extra pair of pants, which was a bit disorienting since everyone had been so used to seeing him in the space suit. Ered also decided to give Dolph one of her old purple scarves.

"Should I change my name, too?" Dolph asked.

"I mean, if you want to." Dipper said, "I already know first-hand you probably won't be able to change it legally until you're eighteen but I'm pretty sure most people will hear or see 'Dolph' and think 'Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer' and not 'Hitler'."

"Vell, my full name actually is Rudolph." Dolph admitted, "I just went by Dolph because it sounded less embarrassing, at the time."

"Hey, if you're embarrassed by your birth name then it's totally okay if you go by a nickname." Dipper assured him, "You just didn't know that particular nickname could possibly have negative meaning."

"Vell... I do sort of want a new nickname, now. Since now I know it could." Dolph admitted.

"Well, I would think up something art related but I don't actually know much about art." Dipper turned to his sister, "Mabel, you have any suggestions?"

"I have a few, actually." Mabel said, then looked towards Dolph "I can go through them and you can tell me what you like and what you don't, okay?"

"Okay!" Dolph exclaimed.

"Artie?"

"No."

"Pastel?"

"No."

"Palette?"

"Maybe?"

"Welp. That was all of my suggestions!" Mabel said.

"...Huh. I was expecting more." Dipper admitted dryly.

Mabel crossed her arms, "Well, art isn't exactly a medium full of good nicknames."

Dipper sighed, "Sorry kiddo. Maybe just think up names _you_  like and see what sticks."

"Vell... I did always like the name Ralph." Dolph admitted.

"Would it be something you'd want to go by?" Mabel asked.

"...Yes."

"Then go by it!" Mabel encouraged.

"Alright!" Ralph did the camp salute, "Campe Diem, Mabel! Campe Diem, Dipper!"

"Campe Diem!" The twins did the camp salute in unison as Ralph ran off to tell his friends about his new name and duds.

Dipper then spoke up, "...Now should we ask Gwen and David why they didn't just do this before or...?"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I actually watched Candy Kingpin right before posting this and while I do like Dolph's characterization in the episode... I knew I'd never be truly comfortable with the character unless he got a full redesign. 
> 
> I almost considered not posting this chapter cause it might teach a bad lesson like all of those people who think they can like.. Defeat Nazis by debating with them. The actual message is supposed to be 'You can't cooporate with a Nazi, but you can prevent kids from growing into Nazis with the right education'.
> 
> Also Dolph's parents are shit.


	4. Spooky Island

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel and Dipper accompany the trio on a monster hunt.

Dipper loved campfires. They kept warmth even during the night and the smell of burning wood wasn't an unpleasant one.

This particular campfire would be a bit more enjoyable if David knew how to tell good ghost stories.

"The thing drew closer, with it's _inhuman_  breathing, and claws clicking against the floor with each step. Desperately the young boy pulled the sheet off the creature to reveal..." David paused, "The DOG that got tangled up in his laundry!"

"And that's why you should always properly fold and put away your laundry!" He concluded.

".... Seriously?" Dipper asked while everyone else was silent.

"Well... It was scary when it happened to me." David crossed his arms, "I was very young and impressionable back then!"

"So... Last week?" Gwen asked.

"What's scary is how much I want to kill myself right now." Max said.

"Okay, okay, I got this." Gwen said, "So once, there was this girl, that no one really understood-"

"So help me, if this involves vampire romance-" Max interrupted.

"It could've been werewolves!" Gwen said, "You don't know!"

"Here's a horror story! Go look at the job market you're dealing with after this camp shuts down!" Max snarked.

"So... Nothing scares you, Max?" Space Kid asked. "Not even ghosts?"

"People in sheets got me concerned. But nah, not even ghosts." Max said, matter-of-factly, "Just not a screamer."

"That's impossible, Max. Everyone's scared of something." Mabel said.

"Well, _I'm_  not." Max argued.

"What about space ghos-" Space Kid stopped mid-sentence and held his tummy, "Huh, that's strange. Uuh mission control I don't feel so good-"

Space Kid suddenly screamed as a squirrel busted out of his suit, other kids screaming with him.

"Wait.. how were you not even fazed by _that?_ " David asked.

"Might've help if I didn't put it in his suit to begin with." Max admitted.

"Alright tough guy-" David was soon interrupted by a haunting choir of moans and wails, "Wh-what about that moaning and wailing?"

"Psh. It's just teenagers from that church camp working on those repressions again." Max replied, "Not that I now about it. Being a kid and all."

"What about that ghost ship?" Mabel asked, pointing towards the lake. Sure enough, a ghostly silhouette of a ship was passing by.

"It's just Pirate Camp working on night sailing." Max stated.

"Uh, guys?" Neil said, looking towards the bushes.

"Guys!" Nikki added, even more concerning.

The thing in the bushes bursted out, "WHAT THE BLUE BALL BLAZES IS HAPPENIN' HERE?" The Quartermaster yelled.

Everyone screamed.

Except Max.

"Someone out here killin' campers?" The Quartermaster asked, raising his hook menacingly.

"We're fine, QM" Gwen said, "We're just having some good ol' campfire stories is all."

"...Darn." The Quartermaster muttered. "And be sure no one's doin' anything stupid like sneakin' off to _Spooky Island_."

The sentence was concluded with dramatically lightning and thunder.

"What? No!" David said, "Of course not!"

"Not even on the new moon, right?" The Quartermaster said, "When ghosts walk the island an' demons rise from the pit an' aliens kidnap any trespassers an' probe their tender-"

"Okay QM, we got it! Isn't that right, kids?" Gwen, thankfully, interrupted.

"Anuses. I was gonna say anuses." The Quartermaster finished.

Space Kid moaned on the ground.

"What's with space-case?" QM asked.

"Squirrelsplosion." Max answered.

"Huh. So the revolution has begun." The Quartermaster said darkly, "Welp. Better best be gettin' you a rabies shot."

"Aww, not again." Space Kid moaned as Gwen and David picked him up and carried him back to camp, the Quartermaster following them.

"...Do you think he was hiding something?" Nikki asked.

"Uh, yes!" Neil answered.

Nikki suddenly gasped, "Maybe it was the GHOST he was talking about! Could you imagine meeting one!"

"Psh, ghosts don't exist." Max said. "You die, then you're faced with eternal nothingness. It's gonna be great."

"Okay, edgelord." Dipper joked.

"How do YOU know!" Nikki said angrily, "You've never died!"

Then she immediately brightened up, "Oo, could you imagine meeting a real ghost? Or a MONSTER?" She gently shook Neil, "It would make the cover of science magazine!"

"Hey! That's a magazine about science!" Neil exclaimed.

"Seriously, you too?" Max said, "Ghost and monsters don't exist! I'll prove it if I have to!"

"Kids, if you're going to go to Spooky Island for a monster hunt, we're not going to stop you." Dipper said.

"...Wait, really?" Nikki asked.

"Well, you do have to let us come with so we can supervise you." Dipper said, "....AndIkindawanttoseeamonster." He added in a pretend cough.

"Seriously? You too?" Max asked.

"Yeah! Monster hunt!" Mabel punched her fist in the air.

"Monster hunt!" Nikki echoed.

"Monster hunt! Monster hunt! Monster hunt!" Everyone chanted except for Max.

~-~-~-~

Since Spooky Island was in the middle of the lake, they naturally needed a boat to get to there.

Most of the boats there could only fit two or three people. Luckily since the twins were counselors they both had keys to the camp's boathouse. Normally the large boats would just fit four adult-sized people, but since neither the twins nor the trio were adult-sized they were able to compromise.

"Should we have a monster-hunting group name?" Nikki asked.

"No." Max answered as Mabel exclaimed, "Absolutely!"

"I've been thinking that we should be called Spook-Hunters!" Nikki said, "Now we just need a theme-song!"

"Maybe not that name." Dipper replied.

"Ooo, can I be the vocals?" Mabel asked.

"Yeah!" Nikki said as Dipper parked the boat next to the island. She jumped off and pulled out a small therimin, "And I'll be the instruments!"

She began to play the therimin, but Max grabbed it out of her hands and threw it on the ground, breaking it.

"Hey! Do you know how hard it is to find a good pocket therimin!" Nikki said.

"Oh, I'm counting on it." Max replied.

"Nikki's, right, Max!" Dipper called from where he was, trying the boat to a nearby branch so it doesn't float away. "You have no right to destroy other people's stuff!"

"Whatever." Max rolled his eyes, "Let's just get a move on-"

Max was about to walk into the trees and bushes but Neil stopped him, "Max, there's something there!"

Now they could here it, russeling through the bushes...

"AHHHHH!" A sandy blonde kid screamed as he burst through the bushes.

"AHHHHH!" Was most of the other kids reply.

"Who the hell are you?" Max asked.

"Me? I'm Jasper. What are you five doing here? Especially tonight. Real spooky night." Jasper asked nervously.

"We're huntin' ghosts and monsters!" Nikki exclaimed.

"Wow, you're ghost hunters? Like the Harlem Globetrotters? Do you have a theme song?" Jasper asked, less scared this time.

"We're working on it." Nikki answered positively.

"I'm gonna be the vocals!" Mabel added.

Dipper walked over, "Uh.." He leaned over to Mabel, "I don't think that's one of our campers." He whispered.

"Relax, bro. He could be from pirate camp. Or church camp." Mabel pointed out, then turned back to the kids, "Alright, Jasper. You seen anything weird lately?"

"Well... Yes, actually." Jasper said, "Strange creatures seek out the mansion. They thump and moan and wail, oh god the wailing- and wailing-"

"Kid, kid. You need to breath more normally here." Mabel kneeled down, "It pretty obvious you've seen disturbing stuff, and you don't have to tell us in detail. Just focus on leading us to that mansion."

"Alright. But only if you promise to get rid of the monsters." Jasper said.

"We _absolutely_  promise." Mabel replied.

"Alright, follow me!" Jasper called, already running into the woods.

The mansion was old, cracked windows and rotten wooden planks.

"...Ladies first?" Dipper suggested.

"Hell yeah!" Mabel exclaimed, running into the mansion, "Wassup, demons! It's me, ya girl!"

Nikki followed after her, only to scream as she saw a giant silhouette by the doorway that Mabel had missed in her excitement.

Max pointed his flashlight at it, "It's a stuffed bear!"

Then, suddenly, Dipper and Neil screamed. Max turned over toward them, "It's a second stuffed bear!"

"Oh." Dipper muttered.

"That's a bit redundant." Neil replied.

"Yeah, and I think endangered." Max added.

"Alright." Dipper said, "Let's just look around this room and see if we find anything. Once we're sure we've cleared the place, we'll go to the next room. Got it?"

"Got it!" Nikki shouted.

Everyone began to search the room, it wasn't long before Jasper triggered a secret that Neil got caught in.

"What the fuck did you do?" Max asked after Neil screamed.

"Don't have a cow, man. I'm just trying to be a part of the gang." Jasper replied.

"Oh my god, you guys have to come see this!" Neil yelled from inside the wall.

They found a way to activate the entrance so they could all go through it.

"Actual science equipment!" Neil gushed, "Do you know how long I've been in an actual laboratory?"

"Weird science, more like. Check it." Max flipped on a lightswitch and everyone screamed at the horrifying experiments.

"What the hell!" Neil shouted. "This is way too far!"

"Oh, please. This is mild experimentation at best." Max said, "Do you have any idea what goes into fast food?"

"Inappropriate amounts of sugar and salt." Dipper answered.

"Just shake it off, Neil." Nikki said, "We still gots some ghosts to catch!"

As if on cue, Mabel yelled, "Guys, I found a trail of hair and blood!"

Nikki gasped, "It must be a trail that'll lead us to the monster!"

"Don't bother. We're just gonna find some injured dog or some other coincidental thing." Max waved it off.

"Awww, I think Max is scaaaared." Dipper teased, ruffling Max's hair.

Max swatted his hand away, "I'm not scared!"

"Then prove it by coming along!" Nikki yelled, leading the way.

She bursted through another door, only to stop and attempt to comprehend what she saw.

"Nikki? Are you... Oh my god." Mabel muttered, covering her mouth her her hands as she looked through the room of what seemed to be torture devices.

" _Idon'twanttobehere._ " Nikki said.

"Oh, but we have to find ghosts and monsters, remember!" Max mocked.

"Max, c'mon." Neil said nervously.

"Max, seriously!" Dipper said.

" _Idon'twanttobehere._ " Nikki repeated. Mabel leaned down to rub her shoulder in a hopefully comforting matter.

"You know what? Maybe the monster's unstoppable. Maybe we should call it a night and go home. Play some pogs or something?" Jasper suggested.

"There's no monster!" Max said, "This is just a room that proves that Campbell is a rich asshole with terrible morals and probably kills people! And those are all things I was pretty sure of!"

A cacophony of wails emitted from a nearby door. Max looked over to it with a determined look, and began walking towards it.

"There are NO ghosts!" He started.

"Max!" Neil warned.

"There are NO monsters!" He continued.

"MAX!" Dipper shouted.

"And there is NOTHING to be afraid of!" Max finished, grabbing the door's handle.

"Wait!" Jasper yelled, but it was too late. Max opened the door.

"I _WARNED_  YOU, CHILD!"

Max screamed.

~-~-~-~

"Ruin my night." The Quartermaster grumbled as he rowed the boat back, "Probably the next one, too."

Dipper looked over to Max, "So... Not scared of anything, huh?"

"Shut up, asshole."

Mabel nudged her brother, "Hey, where did Jasper go?"

Dipper looked around the boat, realizing that there were only three kids on it. He gave a confused shrug.


	5. Magic Show

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neil's attempt to heckle Harrison leads to a sick Max and a set of Very Worried Twins.

Gwen and David decided they were going to have a lazy day today, taking the time to chill in the Counselors Cabin while the twins watched over the campers.

They decided to go with Harrison's Magic Camp that afternoon, figuring the kids would be entertained enough with a well-preformed magic act. Dipper didn't really pay it much mind, he didn't pay many self-proclaimed magicians any mind these days. How could he when he's seen, and even _done_  real magic himself?

Mabel, on the other hand, watched it in absolute delight. Despite experiencing real, terrifying, magical things first-hand; nothing would ever beat the safety of a good cliche magic show.

Unfortunately, that relaxation was over once Max and Neil finally walked over.

"Hey, Space Kid, what's going on?" Max asked as he approached.

"Harrison's doing magic!" Space Kid exclaimed, "He's incredible!"

"Psh, magic? Come on Space Kid, I expected better from you." Neil replied. "There's no such thing as _magic._ "

The rest of the campers turned to glare at him, Nikki gritted out "Don't you say that, Neil. Just because YOU don't believe-"

"It's okay Nikki." Harrison put a reassuring hand on her shoulder, "Neil just doesn't want his mind freaked by my powers."

" _Sure,_  Harrison. That's it. It's certainly not because I believe the fundamental laws in everything in existence, which goes against even the _slightest_  chance of magic being possible."

"Mabel, I think we're coming up to a conflict." Dipper said, nudging his sister's shoulder.

"I know, I'm just... Not exactly sure on how to diffuse the situation." Mabel admitted.

"Just wait until one of them makes a fool of himself and the whole thing blows over?" Dipper suggested.

"I like that idea." Mabel replied.

By now Harrison was pulling the ring-separation trick in an attempt to prove Neil wrong.

"Trick rings sold specifically for the purpose of that illusion. They're on Amazon for $12.95." Neil explained, crossing his arms "Get rekt Harrison. Why don't you do a _real_  magic trick if your so good?"

Harrison glared back, "So, you want a real trick? Okay then, Neil."

Then he smiled, "I'll preform the greatest trick of all! How about this!"

"Abracadabra!" Harrison yelled just loud enough for the audience to hear.

At first there was nothing, nothing visibly different anyway. But Dipper _felt_  something different. Something that shouldn't be possible rippled through the fabric of reality, a... Disturbance in the force.

No one else seemed to notice, though. "Amazing, Harrison." Neil rolled his eyes.

"C'mon, Neil. Let's get the fuck-" Max stopped his sentence midway through clutching his stomach and groaning as though he were sick.

"...Max? Are you okay?" Neil asked worriedly.

The campers and junior counselors watched in horror as Max began to puke out a long line of tied-together fabric as well as some other props tied onto it. The line was relatively short, but felt as though it went on forever.

Dipper felt sick by the time it ended, Max crying out in horror, "WHAT DID YOU _DO_  TO ME?"

"Oh! You just abraca-owned, Max!" Nikki exclaimed.

The rest of the campers cheered and Harrison spoked up, "Yes, and it would've been better if it had happened to Neil as I have intended!"

Neil looked as though his entire worldview was shattered, and Max continued to act extremely... Out of character, for lack of a better word.

"I do NOT feel okay!" He cried and Dipper felt himself physically flinch at the desperation in Max's voice.

Dipper nudged Mabel's shoulder for the second time that day, "Mabel, could you check on Max? I'll talk to Harrison."

"I'm on it." Mabel replied dutifully and carefully made her way toward Max. He saw them exchange a few words and then Mabel gently grabbed his hands so she could lead him to the counselors cabin. They didn't really have an infirmary so they just stored all of their medical supplies in there.

Though Dipper wasn't exactly sure how Mabel was going to check to see of the inside of Max's autonomy was still intact without an x-ray.

Dipper climbed up onto the stage, "Harrison, we need to talk. Kids, go do your normal activities and _don't burn the camp down._ "

The rest of the campers groaned, as they were clearly enjoying the show, but obeyed nonetheless. Harrison looked up at Dipper, "Am I in trouble?"

"I mean, sort of." Dipper admitted, "First, have you seen the original Spiderman trilogy?"

"Well, yeah." Harrison replied, "Who hasn't?"

"And you do realize the main moral of those movies?" Dipper asked.

"....with great power,comes great responsibility?" This time Harrison's voice sounded small.

"Now, I know you were probably annoyed with Neil, but that's... No reason to attempt to jinx him or any of his friends." Dipper replied, "Especially if it's something so dangerous and mean like that."

"Max does mean stuff all the time." Harrison pointed out.

"Yeah, and he's also _scolded_  for being mean all the time." Dipper also pointed out, "I know that, judging by the fact that you intended to jinx Neil but missed, you probably don't have complete control over your powers. Which is all the more why you should start with safe, small things and work from there."

"You sound like you had experience with this." Harrison said.

"I might've."

~-~-~-~

"Alright, Max, how are you feeling?" Mabel asked. She had decided to leave Max in front of the cabin, not wanting to bother Gwen and David too much. She had simply went inside to grab the medical supplies and went right back out. When asked what happened, she had simply replied with;

"A camper's sick."

Camp Campbell... Didn't have much of a budget. So their supplies were very basic things, like bandages and therometers. Nothing she'd think actually _help_  but... Well, she could at the very least do an emotional check up.

"I feel like shit." Was Max's answer. He hiccuped out an ace of spades.

"Yikes." Mabel agreed. "Yeah um.. I don't know what to do about sickness cause by curses, so I think it's best if you just... Stay in your tent for the day."

"So... No camp activities?" Max asked.

"No camp activities." Mabel confirmed.

"Then that's one goo-" He interrupted himself mid-sentence to cough up some glitter.

"If you're still throwing up magician props, come tell me and I'll call... A professional." Mabel said.

"What kind of professional-" He puked out a rose, "-would know how to deal with _this._ "

"My Great Uncle." Mabel replied, "Off to your tent now. I'll bring you lunch and dinner."

~-~-~-~

Neil seemed to be driving himself into madness by trying to understand Harrison's trick, though while it was worrying it didn't seem like it was building up to be something dangerous anytime soon.

But Max... Max was still puking out glitter and playing cards.

"Didn't Grunkle Ford say we should call him for emergencies only?" Dipper asked while Mabel called their uncle on her phone.

"Well I mean, he actually gave me a list of things he'd consider an 'emergency', and 'a curse or jinx you don't know the full extent of' was included in there." Mabel replied, "Funny, he actually gave me it in case you would ask that exact question."

Max sat uncharacteristically quiet on one of the Mess Hall tables. Occasionally he'd break his silence by coughing up some other magic prop, and it was always followed up by a miserable groan.

It was really rare Dipper ever felt bad for Max, but he felt _really bad for Max_.

"Hi, Grunkle Ford! No, not just saying hi this time, unfortunately. A camper was actually jinxed by another camper. Don't ask me how, he didn't teach him that!"

As Mabel explained what the issue was over the phone, Dipper sat down next to Max. He didn't bother patting the kid's back or anything, Max would probably assume he was patronizing him or something.

Soon enough the conversation between Mabel and Ford ended, and a sudden electrical shock emitting from Mabel's phone had her drop it. The sudden burst of electricity transformed and Great Uncle Ford stood in its place.

"I've been waiting for an excuse to use that spell." Ford admitted.

"Cool! I have a burn mark now!" Mabel exclaimed, rubbing her arm.

"...In hindsight, I probably should've tested it in a safer environment." Ford noted. "Mabel, are you alright?"

"I'll be fine. We have aloe." Mabel answered, "Enough about me, I need you to get a curse diagnosis for out camper!" She gestured to Max, who looked like his whole worldview was just shattered... For the second time that week.

"What the fuck?" He stated blankly.

"Do you kiss your mother with that mouth, young man?" Ford asked disapprovingly.

"I _hate_  my moth-" The retort was interrupted by puking out a fakey wand.

"...How long has he been doing that?" Ford asked to the twins.

"Since yesterday." Dipper replied, "One of his friends decided to heckle the magic show and that's when it started."

"It started with him puking out a hankerchief rope." Mabel added, "Longest five seconds of my life."

"Well, luckily this seems to be a rather low-level jinx." Ford replied, "It'll eventually fade and won't leave any lasting marks- or, well, physical marks. I'm sure the event still damaged the psyche quite a bit."

"Gee, as if-" Max coughed up some glitter, "-I wasn't fucked up _enough_."

Ford looked back at the twins, "Does he always swear?"

"Like you have no idea." Dipper answered, then frowned, "I feel like we should be doing something."

"DIPPER! MABEL! NIKKI'S CHOKING TO DEATH!" Nerris yelled from the entrance to the Mess Hall.

"SHE'S _WHAT?_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I keep on forgetting to add this, but I'm also dootdootboopedsnoot on tumblr.
> 
> Also, if you ever want to ask the twins a question directly you can contact them on askthetwincounselors.tumblr.com.


	6. Camp Campbell Camporee

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A not-so-friendly competition leads to the twins meeting a very friendly face.

"It's time to wake up, everyone!" David exclamation rang out through the cabin.

Dipper groaned into his pillow, "'s too early for this."

"Rise and shine, Orion! We all need to be up and ready for the traditional Lake Lilac Camporee!" This time it was the surprising yet undoubtable Cameron Campbell's voice.

Dipper groaned even louder, "'s DEFINITELY too early for this."

"You say that every day, Dipper!" Mabel said, prodding his shoulder, "Come on! This is the most exciting non-dangerous event in weeks! And I know you like competition!"

"The campers'll be the ones competing, though." Dipper pointed out, though he was sitting up and slipping on his socks and shoes anyway.

"And they're going to need all the help they can get! Right, Gwen?" David asked.

"I'm with Dipper on this. It's too fucking early." Gwen replied.

Despite their reluctance, Gwen and Dipper eventually followed Campbell and the other counselors outside to meet up with the Garden Mother and Wood Scout Leader.

There were far more Flower Scouts than there were Wood Scouts, probably because parents knew better than to send their children to the Wood Scouts. Dipper wished that were true for every camp or after-school activity that resembled the military.

"Oh. Em. Gee." A strangely familiar voice said from behind him and Mabel.

The twins turned around to see-

"PACIFICA!" Mabel exclaimed, pulling the blonde into a hug. Then she pulled back a bit to give her a 'I-haven't-seen-you-in-months' kiss.

Dipper adverted his eyes away from the two. They were both happy together, and as long as they were happy together he'd support their relationship. Though it didn't make it less awkward when he saw them kissing- Especially since it was the #1 thing that reminded him that he didn't have a datemate.

"That's an option?!" Exclaimed another voice, recognizably Nikki's. She was looking at Pacifica and Mabel with wide-eyed realization.

After they pulled apart, Pacifica grabbed both of the twins so they were by her side, "I'm so glad to see you guys. The Flower Scouts may be a lot more clean but they're also _super_  annoying."

"We're glad to see you too." Dipper smiled, "But, uh, why are you a Flower Scout?"

"Garden Mother in training." Pacifica corrected, "I'm here because my parents think I've become 'too rebellious' and need to get my agenda straight and something about responsibility? I don't know, I've kinda stopped listening to them."

"A straight agenda?" Mabel asked, "Sounds awful."

That surprised a laugh out of the other two. "Anyway, looks like your counselors are waiting for you. And my camp's waiting for me. But we, like, should _definitely_  catch up later." Pacifica said, letting the twins go so they could stand with the other counselors.

"The Lake Lilac Camporee is today. And that means you little rascals will be competing in a series of fifteen events! All of which will be submitted by the participating summer camps." Campbell explained, "The first five will be submitted by Flower Scout troop 789. The next five submitted by our neighbors, the Wood Scouts! And the last five presented by my very own Camp Campbell Campers!"

"David what the hell! No one told us about this!" Max exclaimed.

"We've been telling you about it every day for weeks." Gwen replied.

"Do you honestly think these kids listen to anything we say?" Dipper asked.

"Yeah, put up fliers next time or something." Neil added.

Somewhere off to the side, a red-headed Flower Scout raised her hand, "So, like, what do you get if we win?"

Yikes. If Pacifica had to listen to such nauseating Valley Girl accents then it's no wonder she was sick of the place.

"Great question little Sally!" Campbell exclaimed.

"Sasha." The Flower Scout corrected.

"Whatever." Campbell waved her correction off, "We brought in a panel of three unbiased judges. All of whom are more than qualified to score your performances."

"The troop with the highest score at the end of the day will go home with the coveted Camporee trophy, a year supply of s'mores, and have their picture featured on the front page of the Sleepy Peak Times metropolitan section!" David added on.

"Well, don't care about that shit." Max said.

"Want to throw this whole thing and roast ants with a magnifying glass?" Neil asked.

Max put an arm on his shoulder, "That's what I like about you, Neil, you get me."

Though Max's and Neil's plans to bail were soon foiled by a voice clearing its throats. The voice of who was undoubtedly Pikeman.

"Might I suggest we raise the stakes?" Pikeman said.

"Pikeman, what do you have in mind, Sport?" Campbell asked.

"If Wood Scout troop 818 wins this year's Camporee, Camp Campbell will surrender its grounds, _and it's campers_ , to the Wood Scouts." Pikeman explained.

David frowned, "Well, that is ridiculou-"

"Hmm, and if we win?" Campbell inquired.

"Sir, you can't _possibly-_ " Gwen tried to reason, but was also interrupted.

"We hand over all earnings from our yearly popcorn sales." Pikeman concluded.

"Dammit, Teddy! You know I have a crippling gambling addiction!" Campbell replied, leaning over so he was on eye level with both of them, "So of course we accept!" He shaked Gideon and Pikeman's hands each, then stood back up.

"What!" David and Gwen yelled.

"Oh, we're so fucked." Dipper said.

"Let's Campe Diem!" Campbell mimicked the traditional Camp Campbell salute.

~-~-~-~

"Alright, gang." David said in a huddle with the campers, "We don't want to end up with the Wood Scouts at the end of the day, so I need you all to work together. It's the only chance we have at winning this thing."

"It's a bunch of prissy little girls." Max pointed out, "How bad can their challenge be?"

"Looks can be deceiving." Dipper replied.

"Um, excuse me." The redheaded Flower Scout from earlier, Sasha, grabbed the other campers' attention, "The Flower Scouts first challenge will be a test of posture and proper walking form."

Max looked back at his counselors and gave a shit-eating grin, "See? Precious."

Sasha and her friends pulled down the large red blanket covering what was essentially a deathtrap behind them. There were three spiked objects swinging side to side, threatening to knock off anyone who dared attempt to cross it into a pool of unidentified green liquid.

"Let's start with the beginners course. As a show of good faith." Sasha concluded with a curtsy.

"...You were saying, Max?" Dipper asked.

"Oh shut. Up." Max groaned.

The first three participants were Space Kid, who didn't even make it past the first object. Max, who was knocked into the pool of bubbling liquid by the second. Nikki was the only one in their camp who made it past.

Next was the Wood Scouts, with Petrol being their only viability.

And the Flower Scouts...

It was probably one of the most bizarre things he'd ever seen, as the three girls had stacked books on top of their heads as well as walked through the course like a breeze.

Looking at the scoreboard, the Flower Scouts were in the lead with thirty, Wood Scouts following them with a twenty-two, and Camp Campbell was in last place with a whopping three.

"We're so, so fucked." Dipper sighed.

"Don't have such a defeatist attitude, Dipper." David said, though it lacked the usual enthusiasm.

"Nah, I think he's just being a realist this time." Gwen replied.

"Hey, it's not like they'll win _every_  competition?" Mabel tried to assure her fellow counselors.

~-~-~-~

At the end of round five, the Flower Scouts were still in the lead with 119 pointed, and Campbell was still behind with 35 points. Not even triple digits yet.

"Let's pick up the pace, campers!" Campbell exclaimed, "I want me some popcorn money!"

"And I want to see you all in wood scout uniforms." Pikeman said, smirking.

"Yo, David!" Max shouted, "I think I speak for all of us when I say I don't wanna become some fascist militant peon! So what's the plan?"

"Look kids, I'm telling you! If you just work together and really start trusting one another, you can accomplish anything." David attempted to give advice.

"Boo! Give us actual advice!" Nikki yelled.

"Advice can't save you now, Campbell Campers! Now begins the Wood Scouts' March to glory!" Pikeman exclaimed, raising his fist into the air.

~-~-~-~

"Maneuvering the treacherous waters of the wilderness is an integral part of survival." Pikeman explained, standing in front of the docks. "Therefore your first challenge is to row out to Spooky Island and back."

"Ooo, that's great cardio." A blue haired Flower Scout said.

"And low impact." A blonde one added.

"Uh, do we have anyone here for rowing camp?" David asked hesitantly.

Nikki jumped up and raised her hand, "I can do it! Lemme at them boats!"

The Wood Scouts took the lead during what was technically a boat race, while the Flower Scouts trailed not too far behind. However, Nikki's group of Max and Neil didn't even make it out of the docks.

Soon enough the Wood Scouts took the lead with 193 points, only beating the Flower Scouts by 1. Camp Campbell... Was still in the double digits.

"Son of a bitch!" Gwen yelled.

"Uh, nothing to worry about." David tried to assure.

"We just got to believe in ourselves!" Mabel added.

"You guys suck and lying to yourselves." Dipper replied.

"Yeah, we're boned." Gwen agreed.

"Free not, sweet Gwendolyn! Once you work for the Wood Scouts the only man you'll have to deal with in your life is me." Pikeman butted in, wiggling his eyebrows and putting an arm around her waist.

Both of the twins had the very sudden urge to knock the brat's braces out, but before either of them could act on it, Gwen shouted "Oh Jesus Christ!" and ran towards their campers.

"Campers! We are winning that fucking trophy!" Gwen yelled in anger.

Dipper turned back to Pikeman while Gwen talked, "Creep on our coworker again, and I'll break both of your arms."

Pikeman seemed to take that warning to heart, as he backed away and then ran back to where the other Wood Scouts were.

The twins moved their attention back to Gwen.

"You are _not_  going to work together." Gwen said.

"We're not?" Harrison asked.

"No! You're all terrible at it!" Gwen replied, "But, we've got something they don't-"

"Sub-par indoor plumbing?" Ered asked sarcastically.

"We've got the most bizarre collection of campers with niche talents and ridiculously specific skill sets Lake Lilac has ever seen!" Gwen corrected, then added, " _And_  sub-par indoor plumbing."

"Gross." Mabel said.

~-~-~-~

The both Scouts looks at the tables full of chemistry equipment blankly.

"Uh, what is this?" Sasha asked.

"Round eleven." Neil said, "Create a stable batch of nitroglycerin."

"Wait, wha-" Pikeman began, but was soon interrupted by the Quartermaster firing a gun up into the air.

"Start scienc-ing." QM said.

Sasha looked nervous, "Um, okay, it's just like baking ladies."

The blue haired Flower Scout attempted to grab one of the ingredients, but knocked one of the glasses over, melting the whole table.

Meanwhile the Wood Scouts accidentally created a mini explosion.

Neil was the only camper to have succeeded in the task.

The next challenge was lead by Harrison, who thankfully seemed to be taking safety more seriously during his magic show- whilst also keeping an entertaining persona.

Next was Ered with motorcycle repair, which was actually a bit surprising. Dipper knew Ered could drive a motorcycle but for some reason he hadn't really thought she could fix them, too.

... He might have to evaluate why that was later.

Then there was Nerris which... Okay, he wasn't exactly sure how Nerris's gimmick worked, but it clearly did.

And last was Nikki, who...

"Round fifteen..." Nikki said, looking to the ground. She made eye-contact for emphasis, "Cross-species communication!"

Well, if any of the campers were able to talk to animals, it would probably be Nikki.

"But, that's impossible!" Pikeman said.

The Quartermaster opened up a cage, a vicious wolf jumped out and headed straight for Nikki. Except Nikki started barking and growling at it, causing it to back down.

She smiled, pointed at the Scouts, and said, "Kill!"

The wolf took its orders to heart, chasing down any Scout close enough for it to smell.

Finally, the Campbell Campers were in the lead. The counselors finally let themselves relax.

"Camp Campbell wins!" Campbell exclaimed.

Everyone cheered, "Hundred XP for everyone!" Nerris could be heard over the crowd.

"Well, I think we all learned a valuable lesson today!" David said.

"Don't ever work together!" Nikki exclaimed and Dipper let out a snort.

"Uh, no-"

"Yeah! Things seemed to really turn around when we just did our own thing." Neil pointed out.

"But, guys, that's a _really_  narrow-minded way of looking at things-"

"David," Max interrupted, "No one cares." He dropped the trophy and left.

Campbell strutted along, putting a companionable hand on each Gwen and David's shoulders, trapping the twins between them. "Great work today, counselors! Thanks to you, I earned fifty dollars!"

Mabel opened her mouth to say something, then shut it. Dipper spoke up instead, "You're lucky you're our boss."

Campbell just laughed and ruffled the teen's hair, "Great joke, Lyra!"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really gotta stop updating this late at night.
> 
> I mostly just used this chapter as an excuse to introduce Flower Scout!Paz because... Hey, the tags promise Mabcifica and I intend to delivery Mabcifica, even though I don't think I introduced her in a very organic matter here.
> 
> Reminder that I'm dootdootboopedsnoot on tumblr, & the twins have a tumblr called askthetwincounselors.


	7. In Our Camp

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new camp counselor applicant arrives to camp, but his unnerving nature scares Mabel and Gwen off.

"GOOOOOOD MORNING COUNSELORS!" Gwen yelled, slamming the cabin door open and holding up a newspaper.

"GOOOOOOD MORNING GWEN!" David greeted back, literally jumping out of bed to give his coworker the good ol camp salute. Then he frowned, "Wait, this seems a bit backwards."

"Yep! Today's the day!" Gwen said, hurrying all the way into the cabin.

"Is it the day you guys shut up?" Dipper groaned from the twins' side of the cabin, "It's too early to be up."

"This... Is when we always get up." Gwen pointed out.

" _Exactly_." Dipper rolled over and forced himself back to sleep.

"Don't mind him, Gwen. He's just not well rested cause he ran out of his sleeping pills a week ago." Mabel explained from the top bunk.

"Well, since Dipper doesn't want to be bothered, I say we take this conversation outside." David said.

Once the three counselors were outside, Mabel asked, "So what were you gonna tell us, Gwen?"

Gwen handed Mabel the newspaper she was holding before.

"Help wanted?" Mabel asked.

"Help wanted?" David mimicked, looking over Mabel's shoulder to see the paper.

"That's great." Gwen put her hands on her hips, "Found a stash of cash Campbell hid in the Quartermaster's store... Behind a box of grenades."

"I don't know, Gwen. Do you really think we need help?" David asked.

"Yeah, we already have four counselors," Mabel held up her fingers for emphasis, "And there's only about, what? Ten kids?"

"Ten kids with ridiculously low attention spans and self preservation skills that rival koalas in stupidity." Gwen pointed out.

"Hey, is that our first applicant?" Mabel asked, pointing to the car that was driving up the road. "That was quick."

"Oh my god!" Gwen shouted, excitedly. Except when the car finally parked and a man stepped out, she dropped the newspaper in horror.

"I'm here for the job listing." The man- a man who looked like someone had dumped David into bleach and then dressed him in stainless white clothing- announced.

Mabel suddenly had the urge to groan. She and Dipper had gone to Camp Campbell to _escape_  all the supernatural stuff, but this thing _had_  to have been some sort of off-color clone or a changeling of some kind.

Gwen didn't seem to be taking the arrival of David's Evil Twin very well either. She looked more freaked out than that time Mabel ran cooking camp and filled the cookie batter with glitter.

Meanwhile, David... Wasn't fazed. "Hello?" He asked.

"Oh, where are my manners." David's bleached clone sat down his suitcase, also purely white, "My name is Daniel, your camp counselor applicant. I hope I'm not too late to submit my resume."

"Too late? You're the first one!" David exclaimed.

"Ha! Are you pulling my leg?" Daniel asked.

"No leg-pulling here. But we are keen on handshakes!" David replied, raising his hand for the action.

"Well who isn't!" Daniel grabbed his hand for a friendly shake.

Mabel was starting to see why Dipper and Max couldn't stand David. Okay, well, she couldn't stand this for a much different reason. The whole conversation between David and Daniel felt... Fabricated. Not real. Then again, this scenario felt very much like something her subconscious would make up, huh?

She gave herself a pinch on the arm. It didn't work.

"So, what experience do you have?" David asked.

"Well, sadly, my old camp was recently shut down." Daniel replied with a frown, "And ever since, I've been searching night and day for a new group of eager young kiddos I can help to educate and reach their full potential!"

"Didja hear that, girls? I think we hit the jackpot! This was a great idea!" David said to Mabel and Gwen.

"Y'know..." Gwen finally released herself from her prison of silence, "I think now's the perfect for me _and_  Mabel-" she looked at Mabel for approval. Mabel nodded, "-to use our vacation days."

"Aw, are you two sure?" David and Daniel asked at the same time, with the same expression.

"Let's get the fuck outta here!" Gwen grabbed Mabel's wrist and they both ran to Gwen's car.

"What do you think is gonna happen with them alone?" Mabel asked.

"Fuck if I know!" Gwen replied, getting into the driver's seat, "All I do know is that I don't want to be a part of it. And that going into town to find literally anyone else to be the new counselor is better than keeping that freakshow hired!"

David and Daniel watched as the girls entered the car and left, then looked back at each other.

"Well, more fun for us!" David said, grabbing Daniel's arm and dragging him to the Mess Hall, "Dipper, our other junior counselor, is still sleeping in the Counselors' Cabin, so we'll have to do the interview later. But! I can at least show you our campers for now. They're quite the little troublemakers, just to warn you."

"Oh, I'll be alright." Daniel waved it off, "How many campers and counselors are there, anyway? Don't want to lose track of all of you, of course!"

"Oh, there's four counselors, including me." David replied, "And about... Ten campers. We originally started the summer with nine, but then Nikki and Neil joined our group... Then poor, poor Scotty. He never did fully recover from Nikki's sugar rush."

"Could you give me a simple rundown of all the campers and what they're like?" Daniel asked, "I do want to be a bit prepared when I meet them."

"Oh, of course!" David exclaimed, "That's a wonderful idea!"

~-~-~-~

"A CULTIST! YOU HIRED A FUCKING CULTIST, YOU IDIOT!" Max screamed as he banged on the counselor's cabin door with his friends.

"Whoa, whoa, what's wrong, kids?" David asked as he opened the door. "And why aren't you with Daniel?"

"Oh! You mean the batshit crazy cultleader YOU just put in charge of the camp!?" Max replied.

"Again with these cult jokes, Max? Please." David scolded.

"He gave everyone a 'de-toxification' diet, then started spouting off Latin from a book with a pentagram!" Neil explained.

"He's bilingual AND cares about nutrition!?" David exclaimed. Max facepalmed.

"Hey, David?" Nikki asked sweetly.

David leaned over to be more in eye level with her, "Yes, Nikki?"

"WAKE UP AND SMELL THE KOOL-AID!" Nikki screamed and slapped David hard enough for him to bruise.

"If you don't believe us, then come see for yourself." Max replied.

~-~-~-~

"Well! What a pleasant surprise!" Daniel greeted the trio and David once they came back into the Mess Hall. "David, kids, welcome!"

"Welcome!" A small group of campers whose clothes were washed out of color greeted in unison. One of the tables was covered in a white cloth, there was a minimal amount of white streamers covering the room, and a large banner that read 'Ascention Party'.

"Wowzers Daniel! This looks incredible!" David exclaimed and Max felt the urge to facepalm again. "What's it for?"

"Why, it's to celebrate, of course!" Daniel replied. "Your campers have all been SO cooperative, and by the end of the day, I know everyone here will be cleansed of their hateful ways and ready to ascend to the next level!"

"Hey... Where ARE the campers?" Nikki asked. She was right, there only seemed to be three others aside from the trio in the Mess Hall.

"Most are helping prepare for today's festivities," Daniel explained, "But a few of them are still hanging around in the Purification Sauna!"

"You built a SAUNA?" David asked.

"THAT IS NOT THE WORD TO FOCUS ON, DAVID!" Max yelled.

"Ralph, Nurf, why don't you show your friends to the sauna?" Daniel ordered. "So they'll quit worryin', and start hurryin'... Their way to fun!"

~-~-~-~

"So, who vants to go first?" Ralph asked, leading the way to the sauna.

From inside the sauna, a camper banged on the door. Their voice was muffled, but recognizably Preston's, "PLEASE! SOMEONE HELP ME! HELP ME!"

"Didn't Dipper and Mabel cover the problematic implications of putting people in a gas chamber with you last month?" Neil pointed out.

"This is no gas chamber!" Ralph replied, "We just use high-pressured steam, and subliminal messaging to deconstruct your psyche and rebuild you in a form that will please the Ancient Ones!"

Preston, all color removed from his clothes, approached from the sauna, "And I love it." He said soullessly.

The trio gasped.

"Oh, hey guys." This time Ered walked up from their side, stirring a bowl of an unidentified boiling purple liquid, "You guys are just in time to help prep for the killer party."

She pointed towards a table that was set up outside, a few campers pouring some... Questionable and definitely poisonous things into a bowl of punch... Or kool-aid.

Nerris spoke up as she poured rat poison into the bowl, "Daniel says that once we've all been cleansed, we shall consume this wonderful elixir, and ascend to our final form. Isn't that right, Daniel?"

"Right you are Nerris!" Daniel said, _right behind the trio_.

He managed to grab onto the back of Nikki's overalls and Neil's collar, but fortunately didn't have a third hand to grab onto Max.

"MAX! DO SOMETHING!" Neil cried.

"You maniac!" Max pointed at Daniel, "You brainwashed the entire camp!"

"'Brainwashed'? No, no, no!" Daniel chided, "I just appealed to their emotions and showed them the light! People don't want to think, Max! They just want to feel safe. And feelings beat facts ANY day!"

Daniel tossed Nikki and Neil into the purification sauna, leaving Max the only camper not subverted yet. "Now," He looked back at Max, tilting his head, "Don't you wanna feel safe, too?"

"THERE YOU ARE!" A new voice, this time it was Dipper's said from behind Max. The teen pulled him away from Daniel, and a little behind him for good measure. "Thank fucking god at least _one_  of you is normal."

Daniel seemed taken aback by this... Sudden change in events. "Excuse me, are you..." He noticed the yellow t shirt underneath Dipper's flannel, it was quite similar to Mabel's, right down to the pine sapling printed onto it, "...Dipper?"

Dipper looked at Daniel, "Yeah, I'm Dipper." He said, oddly normally, going in for a handshake.

There was no way that this was real. Max could believe that he could have David fooled, but there was no way Dipper was that stupid, right? He almost wanted to cry.

The fear faded away as quickly as it came, because the second Dipper had a good grip on Daniel's hand he pulled him in to give a good hard punch, square in the jaw. It was hard enough to knock Daniel out.

"Holy SHIT." Max gasped, "How long have you actually been _cool?_ "

"Son of a _bitch_  I always forget how much those hurt." Dipper groaned.

"Nevermind, I retract my previous statement. You're still a nerd." Max replied.

"What in the name of fun is going on here?" David asked, approaching Max and Dipper.

"There's nothing _fun_  about it, actually." Dipper said, rubbing his fist, "We all take a break for _one fucking day_  and you let a CULTIST subvert the camp!"

"Wait, he... Actually was a cultist?" David asked.

"Yeah. And even if he WASN'T," Dipper replied, angry bubbling to the surface, "You should've took investigating him more seriously. Because when children say they're uncomfortable around an adult.... It's usually for a _pretty damn good_  reason."

Dipper relaxed a little, "I know Max and his friends aren't the most trustworthy, but they're rarely ever _scared_. That's how I knew something was definitely wrong when I overheard you guys talking."

"You mean, you were eavesdropping on us." Max corrected.

"Same thing."

"So what are gonna do with Bleach Boy over hear?" Max asked, gently poking Daniel's head with his feet.

"Eh, he's a wanted man." Dipper pulled out the newspaper Gwen had from earlier, "Figured we'd turn him in and add a little more money to our salary."

"What about the campers?" David asked.

Dipper shrugged, "Brainwashing eventually wears off when the source of it is removed."

"How do you _know_  that?" Max asked.

"I have a very colorful past for a sixteen year old." Dipper answered simply.

After the police left with Daniel in their clutches, Gwen's car pulled up once again.

First one who came out was Mabel, though she looked a bit concerned, plus came out from one of the back passenger seats.

Next person that came out was Gwen, "David, fire that FUCKING weirdo cause I just found us our new camp counselor: Jen!"

She gestured to the last person to get out, a woman who looked identical to Gwen sans haircolor, eyecolor, and clothes. The 'dumped in bleach' metaphor was less appropriate here, as Jen didn't seem to have a lighter skintone like Daniel did.

"I'm really into fashion and trashy magazines." Jen stated, holding up a magazine for emphasis. It unfolded to reveal that someone, assumably Jen herself, had blotted out the models' eyes and captioned their pictures with the menacing line: 'MAKE THEM PRETTY'.

".... You have _got_  to be kidding me." Dipper sighed. He had a feeling Daniel wasn't going to be the last person he punched that day.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Life is so grand in our camp,  
> We're always filled with cheer,  
> We never have to look around,  
> To know that we're all here...
> 
> Okay, that's enough of that. Tbh the only reason I wanted to write this chapter was so I could write Dipper punching Daniel in the face. RIP Bleach Boy, you were bested by a teenager.
> 
> Though, I haven't seen the Halloween special yet but I've been spoiled enough to know he's coming back so... Maybe not.


	8. Bon Bons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mabel is a self-proclaimed expert match-maker.
> 
> She is, in fact, not.

The twins had taken a weekend off, spending the two days raiding the single candy store with the town. It was just two days, so they didn't think too much would happen with them gone.

So they were pretty confused when  they returned to Gwen escorting a crying David outside of the Mess Hall, asking the twins to tag in when they approached.

Dipper shot an inquisitive look to the campers when he entered the building, "What's up with the Camp Man?"

"Bonquisha broke up with him and now he won't stop crying." Nikki explained.

Mabel gave a sad frown, "Aw, poor guy."

"Yeah, first breakups are always the hardest." Dipper sighed.

Mabel looked at her brother with a raised eyebrow, but before she could get a word out Max piped up, "Yeah, and now he's more insufferable than ever!"

"But, can you really blame the poor soul?" Preston asked, being far more empathetic.

"Yes! Oh my god, it's been days and he still loses his shit over every little thing!" Max shouted, standing up, "We need to get Bonquisha to take him back."

Mabel decided this was about the time to step in, "Oh, no no no. That won't work. Bonquisha dumped him, meaning that she probably has moved on by now and is meeting new guys!"

Max raised an eyebrow, "You sound like you know about this sort of thing."

"Oh, yeah. I'm a romance master!" Mabel claimed proudly, Dipper silently gesturing for Max to stop whatever he was doing.

Max promptly ignored the gestures, "Well, then how about _you_  help David move on and his happy, less annoying self!"

"Oh, I-I'm not really sure about that." Mabel raised her hands defensively, "I mean, I am great and all but I don't really want to barge in on my coworker's personal life-"

Then, suddenly, Max's demeanor changed. He clasped his hands together, holding them by his cheek and batted his eyelashes in a sickening sweet fashion, "Aw, c'mon, Mabel. Please?"

The change only lasted a second, but it still had Mabel cover her mouth in a feeble attempt to hide her sudden squee at the bout of adorableness.

Dipper stared at her in disbelief, "You're not seriously falling for this, are you?"

She didn't seem to hear him, "Oh alright, Max! I'm gonna start working on a plan!"

Mabel bolted out the door, leaving Max to shudder, "That was awful."

"Congratulations, Max." Dipper glared at him, "You've just opened Pandora's motherfucking box."

~-~-~-~

Mabel held her hands together, looking over her notes much like a supervillain would look over a miniature model of a city they were planning to destroy. A lot of the townsfolk nearby were too old for David, nearly everyone at camp was way _way_  too young to even be considerable, however there was a nice waitress that lived in town that seemed to be around David's age.

Mabel thought about it a bit more. She was a sweet lady, and she seemed to be good with kids which is a very special plus when it came to the exact job David did. But how was she going to bring them together...

She couldn't pull the whole 'love potion' thing again. Partially because she had no idea where Love God was now, and partially because now that she was older the moral ambiguity of love potions and love spells kind of disturbed her now.

Mabel had to get the two to meet up somehow, and for them to engage in an organic conversation.

~-~-~-~

Mabel looked at her miniature team of match makers, recruiting the campers she thought would be best for the job. She wrote onto the single white board they had for her presentation.

"First, we invite David to the restaurant the waitress works at. Next, we enable them to engage in an organic conversation." Mabel explained, drawing a circle around the picture of David's face that she had drawn, then drawing an arrow towards the restaurant.

Ralph raised his hand, "How are ve going to get them to talk to each other vithout blowing our cover?"

"Leave that to me." Mabel pointed to herself, "Er, well, technically my brother." She gestured towards her right, where Dipper stood wearing a fake mustache and waiter's uniform.

"This plan is stupid and is never going to work." Dipper mumbled grumpily.

There was a few giggles from the crowd until Mabel raised her hand, indicating that she was about to speak, "Dippin' sauce is gonna ask the waitress a question that'll get them into a conversation."

This time Nerris was the one to raise her hand, "But what's the question going to be?"

"Easy. We're gonna have the Troublesome Trio-" Mabel nodded to Nikki, Neil, and Max, "-cause some chaos in the kitchen. Dipper's going to ask her for help to neutralize them or kick them out or whatever- and then hopefully she'll go back to David's table and say something along the lines of kids being troublemakers but not necessarily in a bad, 'mrrr I hate children' kinda way."

Neil raised his hand, "Isn't this plan a bit contrived?"

"Romance itself is contrived!" Mabel announced proudly.

"...I guess I can't argue with that?" Neil asked to himself.

~-~-~-~

Predictably, the plan went to shit.

At first things seemed to be just fine, inviting David to the restaurant went well. Distracting the waitress by pointing out the troublemakers in the kitchen went well- at least until the trio went a little too far, they always did have a tendency to overdo.

Because of the meddling in the kitchen, a small fire started and the rest of their team attempted to sneak out while the waitress attacked the fire with one of those emergency things. Unfortunately David ended up spotting them before they made it out.

"Kids!" He shouted warningly.

Mabel and her team turned around guiltily.

"Just what did you think you were doing?" David asked, fists on his hips and looking at all of them in a disapproving manner.

"It was Mabel's idea!" Max shouted, pointing at her.

"You're the one who enabled her to _act_  on that idea, you little shit!" Dipper shouted back. Max almost looked like he was going to retort before David interrupted them.

"Just explain to me what happened!" David raised his voice, but not enough for anyone to feel too uncomfortable.

"You wouldn't stop crying since your breakup with Bonquisha so Mabel made a convoluted plan to hook you up with another lady so you'd get over it." Nikki shrugged.

David's stern position faded just a little, "Oh kids, I'm sorry I haven't been myself lately. But that's no reason to try and force something that won't happen."

Mabel sighed, "Yeah, I should've learned that the first time."

"Wait, you've pulled this _before?_ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you're thinking, "Huh. The end of this chapter seems a bit rushed." That's because it is and I wanted to get to Parents' Day already.


	9. One Happy Family

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for PARENTS DAY!

The staff of Camp Campbell looked nervously out at the sea of parents and children catching up with each other. Nurf's mom (unsurprisingly) needed a parole officer to even come to the event, Nikki was trying to tell her own mom about the adventures she had at camp but she seemed to ignore her. Ralph had to ditch his new duds the twins gave him and go for his old ones as to not arouse his dad's suspicion, though it didn't look like it was too hard as his dad seemed completely oblivious. Mabel had nudged her brother and pointed towards where Neil and his dad was, whispering, "That'll be you as a dad."

Dipper playfully elbowed her side in reply, but soon their attention was brought back to the rest of the staff.

"Whose bright idea was it to even put together a parents day anyway?!" Campbell asked, anger bubbling just under the surface.

"Who do you _think?_ " Gwen pointing towards David, who laughed nervously.

"Well, everything seems to be going swell so far, don't you think?" David said, gesturing to the families getting together.

"I don't know. Nikki's mom flirting with Neil's dad looks like a disaster waiting to happen." Dipper pointed out.

Max laughed, "Shit like that is why I'm glad my parents never come to these sorts of things."

"Now, now, just because they're late doesn't mean they're not coming." David replied, "Right, Mr. Campbell?"

"Shut up, Davey." Campbell replied through clenched teeth.

Two men in government uniforms approached the staff, "Mr. Campbell, allow me to introduce myself. I'm Agent Miller, and this is my partner, Agent Miller."

"Well, gentlemen..." Campbell said, his resolve dissolving, "Whatever brings you to this completely legitimate summer camp?"

"Why, our precious daughter Meredith, of course." Agent Miller replied, both Millers stepping aside to reveal Ered.

"I _said_  call me Ered." Ered replied.

"Oh! So, you two are.."

"My cool gay dads." Ered said, holding her hands up for a high five from each of her dads, "Aw yeah."

"Oh thank god, you're just gay." Campbell sighed in relief. Though it didn't last long.

"But allow me to congratulate you on your return to United States soil, Mr. Campbell." One of the Millers started. "We're not sure  _how_  you became in possession of such vital Russian intelligence, but your country thanks you."

"Of course, now that you're back in the good Ol' US of A you'll be that much easier to monitor." The other Miller continued. "You're not out of the woods yet, Mr. Campbell. We'll be watching for any funny business."

Campbell laughed nervously, "Well if you see any funny business, be sure to point it out. Because I'd be alarmed if you found any-"

"Hey, there's some funny business goin' on round over here!" Nurf's mom called out from across the Mess Hall, "I signed my boy up for behavioral correction camp. Not paints and crafts or..." She looked over at Preston, "Whatever this queer shit is."

"Mom! You're being politically insensitive!" Nurf chided.

"Sorry. Queer stuff." Nurf's mom corrected.

"I mean... I guess that's better?" Nurf shrugged.

David decided it was about time to step in, "Ah, well, you see Mrs Nurfington-"

"Yeah," Nerris's dad interrupted, "where's the LARPing?"

"Who are all of these children?" Harrison's mom asked.

Soon enough there was a tidal wave of bickering parents demanding answers.

Gwen was just about to quit, shrugging, "Well, I'd say it was a good run, but-"

Campbell grabbed her shoulder before she (as well as Dipper) could leave, "Settle down now, kids! Er, parents. Kids' parents! You haven't been tricked or swindled," Campbell liked through his teeth, "Camp Cambell covers all of the wonderful camps you signed your children up for. Why, we even have a son about it!"

David smiled and began to pull out his guitar.

"That you can hear _later_." Campbell added on.

"But what makes this camp so special is that it has the heart and ambition to be all of those camps while still providing the individual attention that each child deserves!" Campbell announced, his confidence slowly leaking back, "Whether it be nerd camp for.... Neil? Or adventure camp for.. Girl Neil! And, if my words aren't enough to convince you, I'll prove it!"

"Good. Cause you're gonna have to or we're taking you in." One of the Millers said.

"...Rrright." Campbell said, "So! Everyone outside. It's time to show off some Camp Campbell camp-tivities!"

"Have fuuuun!" Max said snarkily, getting himself comfortable on one of the Mess Hall chairs.

"Oh no you don't." Campbell growled, grabbing Max by the hoodie and placing him by the counselors. "This Parents' Day needs to go off without a hitch. That means good times with happy families." He shoved Gwen, squishing her, Dipper, Max, Mabel, and David together.

"What?!" Max shouted.

"WHAT?!" The twins shouted more loudly, Dipper terrified at the prospect of being Max's temporary family while Mabel seemed delighted by it.

"Until this one's actual parents get here, you five are gonna be the perfect nuclear family. Got it?" Campbell demanded.

David immediately got all of them into a hug, to most of their dismay, "We're gonna have so much fun! Family."

~-~-~-~

After that horrifying conversation, the counselors and Max made their way out to the Activities Field, where Harrison's parents approached them.

"Um, excuse me.." Harrison's mom timidly started.

"Oh, you must be Harrison's parents!" David exclaimed, "He's quite the little magician!"

"Uh, yes. Um, we know." Harrison's dad replied, "We were wondering... Have you figured out what's wrong with him?"

"What's _wrong_  with him?" Dipper asked a tad bit aggressively, raising an eyebrow.

"HE MADE HIS BROTHER DISAPPEAR!" Harrison's mom cried out.

Harrison walked over to greet his parents, "Hey guys!"

The two of them flinched away. "Oh, we're still doing that, huh?" Harrison sighed.

Dipper and Mabel frowned while David laughed nervously, "..Speaking of disappearing, where's Max?"

Dipper took a look around, spotting him at the Space Camp stage and 'helping' Space Kid, "Ah, fuck."

"So Space Kid." Max said, "Can't help but notice I haven't seen any grown-ups walking around with fish bowls on their heads. Where are your parents?"

"Oh, my parents couldn't make it." Space Kid said from under his cardboard rocket.

Max's expression seemed to soften, "Oh, really? That... Sucks."

"Yeah. But my uncle came instead." Space Kid replied, "He's the coolest guy in the galaxy!"

Max turned back to his usual frown. "Oh. Really."

"Yep!" Space Kid said,"Say, could you hand me that hydraulic monkey wrench?"

Max kicked one of the cardboard stands that was holding the spaceship up, making it land onto Space Kid.

He began to walk away only to bump (literally bump) into David.

"Max." He said sternly, "Your mother and I are very disappointed in your behavior! Don't make us ground you."

"Okay, you're _definitely_  taking this dumb parenting role too seriously. Am I right, Gwen?" He held up a hand for a high five, but didn't get a response, ".... Dipper?" Again, no response. So he tried to last resort, "Mabel?"

She gently out his hand down, "Nah, Max. Look what you did to Space Kid."

"I'll save you, buckaroo!" An old man jumped onto the Space Camp stage and pulled the rocket off of Space Kid, and..

"Uncle Buzz! My hero!" Space Kid exclaimed.

"BUZZ ALDRIN?" The counselors gasped.

"I never leave a man behind, Neil." Buzz said.

" _Neil?_ " Max asked.

"Somebody call me?" Neil asked, walking over.

"Yep! Neil Armstrong Jr." Buzz said, kneeling down to give Space Kid... Er, Neil Jr the best imitation of a hair ruffle with a helmet in the way, "Named after his great grandfather! Rocket fuel runs through his veins."

Neil Jr giggled, "It tickles!"

"Are you fucking kidding me?" Neil asked.

"Huh. Guess that means we have _two_  Neils now!" Looks like no matter who it was, Max loved rubbing salt in their wounds.

"Oh hell no! I'm putting my foot down. I'm Neil! I've been here longer than you anyway!" Neil literally stomped his foot down for emphasis.

"No you haven't." Neil Jr pointed out innocently.

"Well... I'm smarter than you!" Neil crossed his arms.

Neil Jr laughed, "No argument here, Neil."

Buzz approached the counselors, "Say, aren't you four the ones who sent me that fake video of Neil walking on the moon?"

Gwen piped up, "Uh, well, technically the footage is real! But we did some minor altercations-"

"I know the footage was real." Buzz replied, "It was footage of me on the moon!"

"Okay. Yeah. Buuut, we didn't think the actual Buzz Aldrin would ever _see_  it. So if you think about it... We're victims too?" Gwen replied, realizing she probably wasn't going to dig them out of this one.

"You're lucky I'd never hit a woman." Buzz said. "There is no greater crime than faking a moon landing."

"David helped too!" Max pointed out, leading to Buzz knocking David out with a swift punch in the face.

"Thanks for speaking up, son." Buzz replied.

"It's an honor, sir." Max saluted.

"Time for the family dinner!" Campbell called out abruptly.

~-~-~-~

Most of dinner was filled with Max launching food at the other families. Eventually leading to launching other people's food as well.

"For fuck's sake!" Gwen shouted, picking  Max up by the hoodie, "I wasn't done eating that!"

"You didn't need the calories." Max replied snidely. Gwen gasped and dropped him, examining herself.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Max. What is your damage today?" Dipper asked.

"Let me handle this, Dipper." David said, "Max, you know you are really testing my patience today! I have half a mind to tell your parents when they get here!"

"How are you not getting this?!" Max shouted, "My parents don't care about shit like this! They are not. Coming. Ever!"

As if on que, someone knocked on the door, and Max's anger suddenly dissolved.

Slowly, the counselors approached. Then the culprits finally opened to reveal...

Two people who most certainly weren't Max's parents, "Hey everybody." A gross looking man greeted.

"We're Mr. and Mrs. Fartz." A gross looking woman introduced.

There was some dead silence, save for some of Nikki's giggling.

"Have any of you seen our beautiful boy, Jermy?" Mr. Fartz asked.

Gwen nervously started, "Oh, uh. We kind of... Lost him to a bet with a rival camp across the lake." She admitted.

"Is this some sort of joke?" One of the Millers asked.

" _Is_  this some sort of joke?" Campbell asked, a bit more aggressively.

More silence, "He was really gross." Gwen tried to defend.

Campbell ripped two wads of hair out of his head, "Time for our final activity! Everybody out!"

"For the record, we completely understand." Mrs. Fartz said as the rest of the families filed out.

~-~-~-~

The counselors and Max stayed behind the stage as Campbell explained what the final activity was. Apparently, each camper was supposed to show off what they've learned on stage with their parents.

Mabel frowned as she listened, "Wait, Max, what _is_  your activity?"

"It doesn't matter, because there's no way any of these losers won't blow it first." Max pointed out.

Dipper sighed, "Me and Gwen will go get his paperwork."

Dipper and Gwen made their way out of the backstage and towards the Counselors' Cabin, "So... What do you think is Max's activity?"

Gwen shrugged, "Hopefully it's something short and easily doable. I don't want to be on that stage for too long." She opened the cabin door and held it open for Dipper to walk in.

After a few shuffling through paperwork, Dipper eventually found it. Though he noticed something a bit odd, whereas the other campers had their full names Max's folder just had... Max.

Out of curiosity, he opened it up and his heart stopped.

The most noticeable thing about it was the fact there wasn't an activity assigned to him, but that wasn't as concerning as the lack of a legal full name, or contact info in case something ever happened to the kid. It... It was no wonder Max was so fucked up.

His parents really, genuinely, _didn't_ care about him.

"..Gwen, we have a problem."

~-~-~-~

"David... We found Max's papers." Gwen began.

"Great! We _can_  do this!" David exclaimed.

Dipper raised a finger "Uh, actually-"

"I don't WANT to do this!" Max shouted back.

"Max, that is IT!" David yelled, "I am fed up with your bad attitude! Why do you always have to bring everyone else down instead of just trying just a little bit to have fun?"

"David-" Gwen attempted, but David grabbed the folder out of her hands.

"David!" Dipper tried, louder. Mabel looked at her co-workers worriedly, sensing something wrong.

"Now, let's all put on a happy face, go out there and show everyone just how great you are at-" David finally looked down at the paper, "At... Um..."

"I told you." Max said, wiping his face with his hoodie sleeve, "They didn't care."

"We... We tried to tell you." Dipper said.

"Just make something up so we can get this over with." Max replied, refusing to meet any of the counselors' eyes, walking away.

"Max, I... I didn't know." David said.

Outside, Campbell was preparing to introduce the family. The counselors looked through the curtain, than towards Max.

"Dipper, what do we do?" Mabel whispered, "It'd take a time wish to fix this."

"...We can't fix it, Mabel." Dipper said, "But... We can do something about it."

~-~-~-~

Pizza Bros. Wasn't a well known restaurant chain. In fact, Mabel was pretty sure it was only found in odd Midwestern and Northwestern places like Gravity Falls and Sleepy Peak. Regardless, their pizza was adequate and... Well, they needed to take Max to a safe place for a breather.

Mabel sat beside him in the booth with David while Dipper and Gwen went over to order the pizza.

"...Why are we here?" Max asked, "What about Campbell's big show?"

"It's stupid." Mabel said.

"...What?"

"She's right." David agreed, " _You_  were right. It's stupid, you shouldn't have to pretend for anyone."

"Are you two... Okay?" Max asked.

"We're... Fine, Max." Mabel replied, "We're more concerned about being here for you right now and... I think I'll go help order the pizza." Mabel squeezed herself out of the booth.

Max look over to David, who sighed, "Max, I always try to see the good in things. And I try to get others to do the same but... There's no silver lining here." He admitted, "You have very right to be angry about your parents but... You deserve to be happy. And I hope you you find that here at camp. Even if it's not today."

The other three counselors returned with a box of pizza, "Life sucks sometimes." Gwen smiled, "But at least there's pizza."

"Truly, words of wisdom." Dipper joked.

After the family of five scarfed down their pizza and Gwen went to check to see if the car would start, Dipper tapped Max on the should and kneeled down to meet his eye level. "You live somewhere near Gravity Falls, right?"

"...Well, I've seen bumper stickers for it, so I think so?" Max replied.

"There's a place there called the Mystery Shack. It's where me and my sister usually stay for the summer." Dipper explained, "But it can also be a place to stay if you really need to get away from somewhere, okay?"

"You're being oddly nice to me right now." Max pointed out, "Why?"

"Max... I don't have the best relationship with my parents. Neither does Mabel but... For our whole lives, we've had each other." Dipper admitted, "You're a brat, but you deserve to have someone there for you, too."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The idea of Dipper and Mabel being older sibling figures was like, 99% why I wrote this fic, so of COURSE I had to include them in Max's wonderful makeshift family.


	10. Max's Activity Week

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Twins prepare a list of activities that they think Max would like... Only for him to choose one that they didn't expect.

It was Sunday lunch when Mabel tapped him on the shoulder, "Hey, Max. Could you come talk with me outside? You're not in trouble, I promise."

Max hesitated, then went ahead and followed Mabel outside of the Mess Hall. Dipper stood next to the door, not actively participating in the conversation unless necessary.

Max crossed his arms, "Alright, what the fuck do you two want?"

"It's not about what we want, Max. It's about what _you_  want!" Mabel exclaimed, tapping a notebook for emphasis. The page it was opened to was titled 'Max's Activity Week'.

"Oh, fuck no." Max replied, "There is _no_  way I'm doing _more_  of the shit I hate."

"Come on, Max! It'll just be for one week!" Mabel begged, "Besides, wouldn't it be nice to actually do something you _like_  at camp?"

"I've _done_  the stuff I like. Making your lives miserable." Max pointed out.

"I meant stuff that _doesn't_  make our jobs harder and _doesn't_  involve bodily harm." Mabel corrected herself.

"Sounds boring."

Dipper sighed from his spot, deciding to step in. He squatted down and rested a hand on Max's shoulder, "Kiddo, you need a hobby."

"...What?" Max asked suspiciously.

"You need. A hobby." Dipper repeated, "Something to distract yourself from just how miserable you are- as well as prevent you from making other people's lives miserable."

"And what, exactly, makes you think _any_  of the camp's stupid activities would appeal to me?" Max asked.

"Have you seen the list of overall camp activities?" Dipper pointed out, "If there's a fucking ' _Pray the Straight Away'_  camp, then there better fucking be an activity you actually like."

"You know what? Fine. I'll do your stupid activity week idea _but_  it can only last this week." Max said.

"That was the plan anyway, kiddo." Mabel replied, reaching down to ruffle his hair and giggling when he swiped at her.

~-~-~-~

It was hard deciding on activities Max could conceivably enjoy, as he... Didn't outright show much interest in anything. So in order to get her ideas a bit more straight, she enlisted Dipper to list things they've noticed that Max seemed to lean towards.

This list included things such as mechanical engineering (Rube Goldberg machine), biking (Max had actually earned a Camp Campbell patch for that activity, though Mabel was pretty sure he either his it or burned it), horror movies, conspiracies, and oddly enough... Cute things (baby platypus, that raggedy old bear..)

Well, Mechanical Engineering and Biking were activities in themselves. So there were two out of the way. Mabel wasn't exactly sure what activities there were that involved horror movies... However Conspiracy Camp was also a thing, and luckily she was in direct contact with a conspiracy expert. With cute things... Well, there was Horseback Riding as well as Animal Care. And, if none of those worked they could resort to activities that cover a variety of topics, like art.

They started the week with Mechanical Engineering, which went well the first few hours until Max got his hoodie sleeve stuck in the ridiculous and over-complicated machine and barely made it out with his arm still connected to his body. Dipper stepped in and tried to give some advice ("Maybe start a little _smaller_ , next time?") only to get elbowed in the gut.

They decided to start Tuesday with something a bit simpler and they already knew Max enjoyed, Biking. However he somehow both fell out of it and it landed on top of him. He wouldn't admit how, but Dipoer suspected Nurf and his 'misplaced aggression' had something to do with it. Though Mabel wasn't as willing to jump to such a conclusion ("Everyone's innocent until proven guilty, Dippin' Sauce!")

On Wednesday, there was Conspiracy Camp and... Okay, the argument that conspired between Dipper and Max over the moon landing was something Mabel should've seen coming from miles away.

Horseback Riding was on Thursday, but the camp... Couldn't afford real horses. Max just sat on a wooden replica of a horse while glaring daggers at Mabel.

Finally, there was Animal Care on Friday. However the camp couldn't afford smaller non-dangerous animals, either- but Harrison had summoned a bunny for Max to take care of, partially as an apology for making him sick a few weeks ago. And... Max actually really seemed to adore the fluffy thing, feeding it and petting it and making sure it was always under watch by a trustworthy person. Mabel half considered letting him take it home.

However when she mentioned that to him, he frowned and handed the bunny back to her. "My parents won't let me have a cat. There's no fucking way they're gonna let me have a rabbit." He explained.

At the end of the day, Mabel realized that was it. The week was over, and so far all of the activities she'd prepared went down terribly.

All ideas were good ideas, yet this one... Had failed.

She had went over to sit on the docks, deciding she needed to be alone with her thoughts for once. It was a strange feeling, to keep your thoughts to yourself. Yet it was a feeling people like Dipper or Gwen had a lot.

"What's up with you?" A voice, recognizably Max's, asked.

"It's nothing, Max." Mabel replied, yet she could still see him sit down next to her out of the corner of her eyes.

"Why are you so fucking hung up about this dumb activity thing, anyway?" Max asked.

Mabel didn't answer for a while, then, "Max, do you ever notice how passionate some of the kids are about their interests at camp?"

Max raised a brow, "Well, yeah. It's kinda hard to fucking miss. What does that have to do with anything?"

"Well, I'm just... I'm worried that you don't really show that much interest in... Well... Anything. And I'm of the mind that it's healthy to be passionate about things." Mabel replied.

At first, Max hesitated. Then he pulled out a piece of paper and handed it to Mabel. Curiously, Mabel grabbed it and looked at it, then gasped.

"...Yeah, I've decided on my activity." Max replied.

The paper was Max's enrollment form, except now the blank next to 'Activity' had 'Knitting' listed next to it.

"But... You said you hated Knitting Camp?" Mabel asked, eyes shining.

"Yeah well... I still think it's stupid but-" Max grumbled, "I keep doing. I've knitted at least ten stupid scarves now, but I'm getting kind of bored doing that and... Can you teach me how to knit over things?" He finally asked.

Mabel's initial shock melted into pure and utter delight as she pulled Max into a hug. "Oh, absolutely! I can knit sweaters and beanies and dolls- wait, you already know how to knit dolls. Whatever!"

"Okay, you can let me go now." Max grumbled.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had this idea before Camp Corp came out, but that episode wasn't gonna stop me from writing this chapter.
> 
> Hopefully, a Halloween themed chapter is coming out soon ;P


	11. Afterlife

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Space Kid asks the counselors a hard question that none of them really know how to answer.

"What happens when you die?" Space Kid asked, innocently enough.

All four counselors stared at him with wide eyes, "Uh..."

"Just let us talk together for a moment, Space Kid!" Mabel said, quick on her feet as she grabbed the other three and pulled them to the other side of the Mess Hall.

"What do we tell him? The pearly gates? The farm in the sky?!" David said, panicked.

"I think we should be honest with him and tell him there's likely no god and no afterlife and if there is we're all going to hell." Gwen said flatly.

"Whoa, whoa, Gwen!" Dipper snapped, "I'm all for being truthful with kids at early ages but we're trying to be _honest_  with him, not scar him for life."

Dipper then turned his voice into a more relaxed and calm one, "I think we should tell him the less scarring truth."

"That being..?"

"That we have no idea what happens when you die, _but_  science has proved that an electric energy does leave your body _and_  quantum physics does suggest that your consciousness travels to another universe." Dipper concluded.

"I dunno about that, Dippin' Dots," Mabel replied, "That explanation was so wordy it's making _my_  brain hurt. We don't want to confuse him!"

"Ugh. What about you, David? Do you have any suggestions?" Dipper looked over to the redhead in the room.

"Uh...." David cleared his throat, and turned toward Space Kid, "Have you ever been on a farm?!"

Gwen sighed, Dipper facepalmed, and Mabel rolled her eyes.  
~-~-~-~

"Maybe we should tell him about reincarnation instead?" Mabel suggested. "Reassure him that if he's good, he'll be reincarnated into something good!"

"Right, like an ardvark!" David exclaimed.

"...What's an ardvark?" Mabel asked.

"Nevermind that." Gwen dismissed the idea, "If anything, you're just reincarnated into a hotter version of yourself! I mean, there has to be more than this." She gestured to her own body.

"I mean, yeah, it would be nice to be reincarnated into a body I'm actually comfortable in, but I think we should just stick to David and Mabel's explanation." Dipper replied.

~-~-~-~

"So if you're good in this life, you'll become something good in your next life?" Space Kid asked.

The counselors nodded.

"Cool! But uh, what happens when you're bad?"

Mabel covered her face in her hands as Dipper started his pull his hair and they all groaned. There goes their 'reincarnation' explanation.

~-~-~-~

"Kid, we're gonna have to be honest with you here." Dipper said, kneeling down.

"None of us really _know_  what happens when you die." Gwen added on.

"The only ones who do are the ones who've been dead already." Mabel said.

"The only we can really do is give you our best guesses." David concluded.

"So... No one knows what happens when you die, but when the time comes you'll be ready for it?" Space Kid replied.

Once again, the counselors nodded.

"I see. I'll go tell Nikki she can die in peace now!" Space Kid began to make his way out of the Mess Hall.

"Wait, WHAT?!"

~-~-~-~

"It's unnerving how many times we've had to ask this but _why are you trying to set Nikki on fire?_ " David exclaimed in a panicked voice.

"Nikki drank one of Neil's untested experiments and now she's dying." Harrison said bluntly.

"What? Why did no one tell us?!" Dipper replied.

"I didn't want to go to jail!" Neil cried out.

Dipper sighed, "Kid, you're- what? Eleven? You're not old enough to go to jail."

"...oh." Neil replied, "But Nikki's still dying! I don't think I can live knowing I killed one of my best friends!"

"Are you sure she's _actually_  dying?" Gwen asked.

"I _am_  dying!" Nikki exclaimed, "The tummy aches are a little better but the bleeding's gotten worse!"

"...Tummy aches?" Dipper inquired.

"Bleeding?" Mabel added.

"Yeah!" Nikki replied, "I tried putting a band-aid on it, but it's really persistent!"

"Nikki, were these tummy aches different? Like they were a punishment for all the horrible things you've done?" Gwen asked.

"Yeah!"

"Have you been having weird cravings lately?" Mabel added.

Nikki was now eating... Something. It looked a little like rotten cheese, "Mm-hm!"

"Emotional turmoil?" Dipper concluded the onslaught of questions.

"Who are you calling emotional!" Nikki yelled at him then threw her rotten cheese into the lake.

It was so relieving, that it was a little funny, and Mabel couldn't help but let out a relieved laugh, "Come on, Nikki. We have a lot to talk about."

Mabel grabbed Nikki's right hand while Gwen grabbed her right, and the began to head to the Mess Hall.

"Wait, so... Nikki's _not_  dying?" Neil asked.

"Nope." Was Gwen's answer, "She's just growing up."

"Aw, that's worse!" Nikki cried out, and Dipper couldn't help but snort.

~-~-~-~

They _did_  tell Gwen that most of the kids at camp were too young for this kind of movie, most of them definitely seemed freaked out at the even obviously fake blood and gore on-screen. Except for Max, who actually smiled. That kid was seriously worrying.

Since the twins were junior counselors, they were technically aloud to participate in activities like these. Which was why Dipper and Mabel were sitting at the back of the room and poking fun at the movie under their breaths.

"I'm glad my tonic didn't kill you." Dipper could hear Neil from his right.

"Nope!" Nikki, further right, "I'm just in something called a period. I can bleed forever and never die!"

"Cool! I want to have a period too!" Space Kid exclaimed.

" _No,_ " Dipper choked, "No you do _not._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Death is definitely a spooky thing. Shut up.
> 
> Man, I think this is the first chapter I explicitly imply that Dipper's trans. I'm like 51% positive I alluded to it in other chapters but I'm not totally sure. But yeah, that headcanon's seriously important to me.


	12. Explanation

I feel kinda bad about writing this, but it has to be said.

I don't really have any inspiration or motivation to write this anymore, probably because I didn't really plan anything out. And sometimes I'll get a really good idea- only to realize that idea would only work if I had already set up a pretense for it. I'm kind of tired of copy&pasting the exact words a character says in the show, so I might plan out the next time I take a crack at my "Pines Twins as Junior Counselors" idea. Or maybe instead of trying to write out a multi-chaptered fic I just post the occasional one-shot.

Anyways, the point is, this is the end of this fic. However it's not the end of this AU, and most certainly not the end of me writing this AU. When will I get a better installment out? I have no idea. Will I delete or orphan this fic? No, not really. Even though I've done the typical creator thing and started to hate it, I also know you guys would probably miss it if it was gone.

I'm trying to figure out a way to end this explanation, but I kinda suck at writing conclusions. See you next time I post a Twin Counselors fic!


End file.
